Jokes

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If your daughter asks to borrow the car tell to make sure she washes it before she hands it back.

 

I started doing some impressions of old TV detectives in the pub last night.
Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?”
Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.”
Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.”
After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?”
She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”

 

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Breaking News....
Devon and Cornwall have cancelled their planned joint '60s & '70s retro music festival after a row about whether to put The Jam or Cream on first.

 

Finally found the way to drive the missus wild by using my tongue.
“ You’ve put a lot of fat on”. I said

 

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I don't know, it just happened!!

 

It is just before Man City Vs Man Utd in the FA cup final at Wembley.

Haaland goes into the Man City changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Man Utd. They're ****e and we can't be bothered".
Haaland looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Haaland goes out to play Man Utd by himself and the rest of the Man City team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Man City 2 - Man Utd 0 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes)". He is beating Man Utd all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the TV back on.
"Result from Wembley Stadium "Man City 2 (Haaland 5, 10 minutes) - Man Utd 1"(Bruno Fernandes 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly beat Manchester United!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you beat Man Utd all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes!”

 

I got a phone call from the police, they said "your house has been broken in to, they drank all your beer and shagged your wife!"
I said "I can't believe they shagged her after only 4 cans?"

 

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Why do people say that wasps & bees are good for the garden?
I've never seen one of the little b*stards mowing the lawn

 

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