Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I bought the wife a Memory Stick...it's great.
She hasn't forgotten my beer...dinner or sex once since the first beating.

 

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years...and when he got back...his glasses were smashed...he had a broken wrist...a twisted ankle and grazed knees...
Apparently she'd stood him up.

 

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died
and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position..
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said,
"It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope,
matured in steel containers".
Low grade but acceptable.
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,
oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.
Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne,
high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished
He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
. The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant
and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

 

Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a spine-chilling "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the
service station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't
fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

*
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing..' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep.....


Husband's Diary:
A five putt...who the hell five putts?
*
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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

 

Q. What's the first sign of madness?

A. Suggs walking up your drive.

 

I asked my friend does he talk with his wife during the sex? "Well ,yes if she happens to phone me" he answered.........

 

Wally Is In The Hospital . . . .....


Who in the hell is Wally?


Well Wally is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says

"Where the hell have you been?" Wally replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"


"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"


"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.


"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"


"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


Wally is in the Charing Cross Hospital, Critical Care Unit, Room 233

 

A man owns a swishy cocktail bar and is looking to hire a pianist. He gets a bloke in who's got Tourette's, but he can play classics, blues, jazz, "and I ****ing write my own ****ing stuff as well", he says.

He plays this really haunting gentle piece.

"What do you call that?"
"The smell of my wife's ****. Here's another ****er."
And it's another great piece of music,

"That was: my cock's up your arse, now wriggle bitch" And so on.

He was the best - so good that, reluctantly, the bar owner takes him on but on the condition that he doesn't speak to the customers at all. The waiters will take requests to avoid him talking with them. It works well and trade is up.

One night the pianist can see a girl facing him in a short skirt and no knickers. After half an hour of looking up seeing that, he gets so horny that he takes a break to have a ****.

He takes a while - there is no music.

The bar manager starts looking for him, bashes on the toilet door and says, "Get out there and play now or you don't get paid for tonight."

So he rushes his ****, goes back and starts playing.

One of the waiters sees he hasn't zipped up and rushes over.

"Hey do you know your flies are undone, your cock's hanging out and there's come stains all down your leg?"

"Know it? I ****ing wrote it!"

 

For their 10th anniversary, the husband decides to make the day a bit special.

"Is there anything that I can do for you dear?" he asks.

"Well it would be lovely if you would bathe the baby for a change".

Off he pops upstairs to give the baby a bath.

The wife walks into the bathroom ten minutes later to find the husband with a finger up each of the baby's nostrils, giving it figure of eights round the bath.

"What the hell are you doing!? That's not how you bathe a baby!!"

"It is when the water's this f#cking hot..."

 

I was in my herb garden the other day and thought I'd been visited by the ghost of Robin Gibb, turns out it was only the chives talking.

 

A Manchester United fan drives up to Anfield in his Mercedes Benz and is just about to get out and go into the ground when a little urchin comes up and says "£10 to look after your car Mister?" but the man points to the back seat of the car where there is a large Rottweiler and says "No need sunshine, my dog will look after my car!" Quick as you like the kid says "Can your dog put out fires?"

 

I saw a young girl collapse in the town centre so I ran over and gave mouth to mouth resuscitation. It didn't work so I started pumping her chest.

It probably wasn't the best time for a tit **** but what the hell.

 

Returned Mail



Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question No 4, "Do you have any dependants?"
I replied -

"250,000 illegal immigrants,
10,000 druggies,
650,000 unemployable people,
901,000 beneficiaries
140,000 people in overcrowded prisons,
and 120 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?

 

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.

"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

 

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'


The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'


'Ye what!!?

Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!

You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.


'OK, Dad... As ye wish.


I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve

On board my new yacht in the Riviera.'


'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.


Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'


'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'

 

Sky Sporks News ‏@SkySporksNews

John Terry is unable to accept his Soccer Aid medal in person, on account of being in Sweden celebrating his Eurovision victory.

 

Joey Barton is planning to join a new club this summer. He can't say which one, its first rule is you don't talk about it.