Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I used that new Lynx deodorant with a touch of chocolate last night.

My mates were pissing themselves, I pulled every fat bird in the club.

 

Two camels, a father and son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says "Dad! Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?"
The father camel looks down on the son and says. "Why, so we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water."
The young camel looks astonished and says "Wow, I didn"t know that!"
A few minutes later, the younger camel pips up again "Dad! Why do we have really thick eyelids?"
The older father, rather agitated by his son"s curiosity, answers quickly. "So that our eyes are not scratched by sand storms. "Wow!" The young camel says...
Another minute later and the father camel hears his son again. "Dad!". "What now!" The father camel asks.
The son then asks. "Why do we have huge feet?"
"Well son." The father camel starts. "We need to tread through the sand and out feet are big so we can travel much easier..."
A few minutes pass before the father hears his son again. The father camel, clearly agitated turns round. "What!?"
"Dad.... What the fcuk are we doing in a zoo then?"

 

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn"t buy them a bigger bed and they weren"t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn"t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don"t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Fulham, parts of Bradford, anywhere in Scotland and most blondes.

 

Scottish insults:

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla"s back
Look"s like she"s been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than sooty!
She"s got a face that could make an onion cry.
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
It"s like shaggin a pail of water.
It"s like shaggin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she"s killed more cocks than a fowl butcher
Fanny like a ripped out fireplace
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She"s seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman"s knee
She"s got a fanny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and shagging the night
Fanny like a clown"s pocket
Fanny like a Hippo"s yawn
She"s that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
She"s done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A fanny like a burst couch
Cocked more times than Elmer Fudd"s shotgun

 

It was my birthday yesterday and the wife asked if I wanted a blow job or a hand job.

Thinking that my luck was in, I said, "I think I"ll take the blow job option, please."

The wife replied, "good choice - if you put that many candles out with your hand you would burn your fcuking fingers"

 

When joining the French army, you are required to know at least five other languages.

Well, how else will you surrender to occupying forces?

 

Why are Welsh border collies the fastest of their breed?

They know what happens to slow sheep.

 

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.


The first man married a Greek girl.


He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.


The second man married a Thai girl.


He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...


The third man married a girl from Yorkshire.


He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

In dancing shows we have a dance off, in singing the sing off, in skating the skate off.


Can we please have a celebrity show called fcuk?

 

Liverpool.

The only place in the world where your wallet gets off the bus two stops before you do.

 

I bought one of those CD's that teach you Spanish while you sleep. Unknown to me there was a big scratch down it.


Now I'm fluent in stuttering in Spanish.

 

Koreans have recently brought out their own vegetarian version of an instant noodle snack.

It's called Not Poodle.