Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

What's the difference between an emo and a radiator?

A radiator won't post pictures of itself bleeding on facebook

 

I was reading on-line that paranoid schizophrenics are easily amused.

Oh, how we laughed.

 

I'm going to start telling women that I'm available for a limited time only and hope that their shopping instinct kicks in.

 

I'm into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality!
Am I flogging a dead horse?

 

What do you do if you come across a tiger in the Jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

 

Is it just me......

or does anybody else find pressing F5 refreshing?

(sorry that really was a proper crap joke)

 

My Doctor found a small lump on my testicles today,
I Said, "That's my Cock you cheeky twat!".

 

My wife came home, stripped down, and threw her underwear at the wall.

I said, "Sorry, I'm not in the mood."

She asked, "Why?"

I replied, "Because your knickers are stuck to the wall."

 

Kiwi where are your jokes, this place hasn't had a joke in ages?

 

A high school teacher was arrested today at Sydney’s Kingsford-Smith International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At the press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the AFP with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns;" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, Federal Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Fellow Labor colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

 

He's back!

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word..
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied,
'in-laws.

 

Whilst getting ready for work the other day, the wife spotted my Thermos flask and asked what it was for. I told it kept hot things hot and cold things cold. The next day I saw her on her way out of the house with my flask, rushing to work. I asked what have you got in there and she said a bowl of soup and a choc ice!!!

 

My wife only lets me watch "Match Of The Day" if I make her come.

Is David Coleman still on it?

 

I got chatting to a bird in a club and she said, "I'm sick of men agreeing with everything I say just 'cause I've got big tits."

I said, "Yeah, I hate that."

 

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?"
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity."
"What 'appened zen?"
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning.".

 

My Gran is in her 80s and still cock mad!

She has penile dementia

 

Whats six foot long, flies, screams but can't go round corners?

A baby with a javalin through it's head

 

I was recently asked where I stand on breast feeding. Apparently 'just to the left so I can see the nipple' was not a good answer to give in a mother and toddler group!

 

Ched Evans has welcomed the new law which allows the creation of babies from 3 people.

Ched and his friends have been at the forefront of this research in recent years