Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

I invented the sandal for people with one leg.

It was a flop.

 

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson,
died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur.
'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycleshave changed the world,
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room
and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented,
'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something
\that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension



2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust


5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!



'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

I was working out at the gym when I spotted
a sweet young thing walking in ....

I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there ?"
The trainer looked me over and said,
"I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

 

I'm learning the hokey-cokey.

Not all of it - just the ins and outs.

 

She was the flabbiest stripper I've ever seen. When she ran off stage, she started her own applause.

 

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,

Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'

 

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, She started talking to him....
You know that dishwasher you promised me? I Bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers In the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised Me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while Tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the
insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well here it comes."

 

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.. They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal
shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in.. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes,
something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.

 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if Im wrong, but
I dont think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.

 

A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said."Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".

 

That would be funny if it wasn't so blooming true.

Q: How do you stop your girlfriend from sucking your knob?
A: Marry her.

 

What name do you call a human with the brain of a baby marsupial with anger management issues - Joey

 

I see that software legend Photoshop is turning 25 this week.

Actually, it's turning 38.

It just looks 25.

 

I saved a lot of money on my insurance by switching......

.....my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

 

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping.

Simply dropping into a local supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends!

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot.

They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco.

You agree and they both get in the back seat.

On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I've had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. I have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but LIDL wallets are £1.75 and look better !!

 

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER


OH No !!! He has a sister ????????????
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"

Before her mother could raise a concern,
Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked,
"Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mum fainted.

 

Thought you may enjoy these.
Number One.
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison control centre in Brisbane . Today, this woman called in
very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I
quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and,
at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given
her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told
her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right
away".


Number Two.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.


Number Three.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting
to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached
the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the
NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a
NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat
defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland.
Happened in Brisbane. (where else!!)

Number Four.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the
bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't
believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this
point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave
it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police
and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the
licence.
They arrested the robber two hours later.


Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move !' When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
Happened in Adelaide


Number Six.
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a
brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick
bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .


Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg."
Happened in Surfer's Paradise .


Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne.


Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open !' His
reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'

Happened at the FORD dealership, Dubbo, NSW

 

A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" says the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the RugbyWorld, and not use it?

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to, together, since we got married."

"Oh . . .. I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend, or relative, or even a neighbour, to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head.
"No. They're all at the funeral."

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.