Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Sorry for my poor latest offering, anyway here we go....

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Betty was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned!'

 

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber,
who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited o me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.” “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get that ****ty haircut?”

 

OK, so the voting thread is starting to get a tad heated. Sod that! Kiwi I'm going for the joke championship title with this crap joke! So anyway, here we go....

A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:

'Man seeks woman to date.'

He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"

Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

 

The barnsley forum whippet says...

 

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

 

As sledging in cricket is in the news today, here's a piece of classic sledging from yester year Australia v Zimbabwe.

Glenn McGrath gets frustrated at being unable to dismiss Eddo Brandes, a rank tail-end batsman. The bowler asked: "Why are you so fat?" to which Brandes replied: "Because every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit!"

 

Standard Operating Procedures released today please learn
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory nine feet exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off”, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

 

Morning Kiwi!

By the way, this joke beats my one for the championship, you cant out joke the joker!

 

evening utrs
good too see the whippet is out visiting

 

Yes, I could not resist knowing you would know and the other forum members will be thinking wtf?

Mind you with half the crap I post most people are used to me by know,lol!

 

where will he appear next

 

Have a look in your shed thread mate, it may be one page back from the last!

 

For her birthday, I bought the wife the DVD box sets of Sean Connery and Daniel Craig bond movies. She didn't seem too impressed. I can only assume she wanted Moore...

 

Daily Mail online: Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.


Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

 

And if you thought that was bad then....

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

 

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants ?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

 

The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 2-0 down to Newcastle with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 3 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are
delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. "Hello mum, guess what?" he says "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 2-0 down but I scored 3, they call it a hat-trick, and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the press, they all love me!"
"Just wonderful" says his mum "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, she would have been raped but for a passing police vehicle. Your brother has joined a local gang of looters and set fire to some buildings and all while you tell me that you were having a great time!!"
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry". "Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!"

 

Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in
Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I
lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did
I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of
course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's
see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I
can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!
Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a
beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.

 

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position with the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing featuresand oddities like scars and so forth."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you?
Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes!
He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
“Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did.
This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”