Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little
boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He
picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard
and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a 'period'," he replied.
"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"
"Darned if I know," said the boy,
"but yesterday my sister was missing one,
Mom fainted,
Dad had a heart attack
and the boy next door joined the Navy."

 

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "8 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at
the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the
scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly.. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell areyou doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds,
"Genius, my a**e. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

 

You have to hand it to muggers...

 

The Irish divorce.
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law , Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife , Mary, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Mary would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation ..... ... She never got your e-mail!"

 

Just spent an hour at Aldi's and I no longer believe in evolution.

 

How do you know if a man is thinking about sex ?





If he is breathing...

 

Women breasts are the proof that men can concentrate on two things simultaneously

 

I Was At A Wedding Reception when the DJ announced " all the married men out there
go and stand by the person who makes your life worth
living"...... The poor fncking barman was crushed to death!!.

 

Bad quiz night. The Quiz Master asked us to name Bond villains.

He just wouldn't take No for an answer.

 

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for
giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $200,000 dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you
card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind
gesture as he had before.He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW,
diamonds and money .... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a
box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

 

I went to the hairdressers yesterday and asked for a Number 2 all over.

So he shat on my head.

 

In my life i had hundreds of girls and i satisfied both of them

 

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for
the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish
wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget
all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.
It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do,
do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match
started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other
several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried
his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a
cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just
in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His
back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on
top of him, making the pin and winning the match..
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler
alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No
one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he
got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my
eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my
face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of
strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just
as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own nuts.

 

NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER"
Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me,
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee.
First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast.Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day!And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap
If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap!Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease.The number threeis a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes..And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease then only six will do.Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out!We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be.And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash.If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before!The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke.Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”

 

After
retiring, George's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to
TESCO. (a British Supermarket Chain) Unfortunately, like most men, George
found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse..
Yesterday his wife received the following letter from the local TESCO:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you
from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
(1.) January 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.
(2.) February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
(3.) February 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
(4.) February 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'..
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a
reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance,
causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have
a Code 3.
(5.) March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layby
(6.) March 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
(7.) March 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
(8.) March 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
(9.) April 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.
(10.) April 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.
(11.) April 23: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
(12.) May 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using
different sizes of funnels.
(13...) May 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
(14.) May 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
(15.) June 5: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is
the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
(16.) June 14: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the
clerks passed out.

 

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

 

Suburban home. The phone rings. A little girl answers it.

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey, this is Daddy.... is Mummy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave,'

After a brief pause Daddy says 'But you haven't got an Uncle Dave, sweetie'

‘Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now!'

'Uh, okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Dave that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'

'Okay, Daddy!'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy.'

'And what happened?' he asks.

'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead.'

'Oh my God.’

pause.

‘But what about your Uncle Dave?'

'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the empty swimming pool and now he's all dead too.'

***long pause***

'Swimming pool? What swimming pool? Is this 555 7039?'

 

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walkedinto the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is .... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future."

 

They are selling Harry Potter souvenirs in my local shop, do you know how much they are charging? A quid each.

 

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk,
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos
Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee,
tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"