Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

 

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT ****ING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

 

If you're dating a dominatrix, never ever suggest it's time to hit the sack

 

I Received a call from a recruitment consultant.
She said to me: "Sir I have three openings for you...!"
I replied : Yes. I know!!
There was a long silence and then she said..Bastard!

 

I got a phone call from the police, they said "your house has been broken in to, they drank all your beer and shagged your wife!"
I said "I can't believe they shagged her after only 4 cans?"

 

I overheard my son and daughter complaining the other day that I act more like a boss than a father towards them. So I've invited them both to a disciplinary hearing at 10.00 next Thursday morning!!.

 

A couple of hunters from Prague are out
hunting, and an emormous
bear runs up and in a single gulp devours one of
the hunters.
Miraculously, the swallowed hunter remained alive,
trapped in the belly of the
grizzly.
The other hunter runs back to
town and organizes a rescue party which
heads back to the woods
armed with torches, guns, spears, etc.

Soon they spot two bears on
the horizon and everybody starts shooting
at the bear that's
closest to them.

"No, not that one," shouts the surviving hunter,
"That's the
female."

"The Czech is in the male."

 

My Mother-in-law researched her family tree recently and discovered she is a direct descendant of the Hitler family, which has shocked me to the core.
She's the nicest, most tolerant person I've ever known and wouldn't harm a fly, so I'm finding it incredibly hard to believe.
Although it does explain the moustache.

 

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

 

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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly
The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain
starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are.

 

Short Belgian jokes - Bear hunting

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.
'How did you het so rich?' the Belgian asked.
'I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.'
'How do you go about shooting bears?'
'It's very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.'
Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.
'What has happened to you?'
'Well' the Belgian replies: 'I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly... the train came'.

 

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is...... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."
"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

 

"The Prodigal Son's Return" joke

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a
sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to
the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet
him, the minister said, "Throwing wide his arms, the father said..." at
which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE
GROUNDED!"

 

Where's the unlike button

 

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: “What are you doing these days?”
Sparsh: “PHD.”
Utkarsh: “Wow! You’re a doctor!”
Sparsh: “No, Pizza Home Delivery.”

 

Hit the like button twice.

 

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and five children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other four."

 

Five children. The fourth is the youngest. Three are tall and one isn't.

I'm confused. The maths don't work.