Off Topic Jokes thread

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Man with no arms enters a national masturbation competition.
Poor sod didn"t come anywhere.

 

What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son?

Bison.

 

Iraqi TV Guide
MONDAY8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal
TUESDAY8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq"s Funniest Public Execution Bloopers
WEDNESDAY8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch
THURSDAY8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica"s Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads
FRIDAY8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed"s Creek
9:30 No-witness News

 

A lady is very upset because her pet Chihuahua has only been placed second in Best Of Breed at Crufts so she decides to speak to the Judge and get some advice on how to win.
The Judge tells her that her dog only came second because it had hair growing on its chin.
He advised her to apply Immac Hair Remover Cream for 2 weeks just before next years competition to ensure 1st place.
So 2 weeks before following years Cruft Show off she goes to the local pharmacy and asks for a tub of Immac Hair Remover.
The assistant asks if she has used it before to which she says she hasn't.
Assistant tells her not to wear a tight blouse after application to allow the cream time to work on armpit hair.
Lady replies indignantly that the Cream is not for her arm pits but for her Chihuahua.
The assistant replies "in that case madam don't ride your bike for a couple of days."

 

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know father.", the nun answered.
"In fact, I don't think it is likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." said the nun.
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK", the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass so we can get the hell out of here?"

 

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