Off Topic Jokes thread

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight !"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200 !!

 

I used to go out with a parachutist who had IBS, but she shat on me from a great height.

 

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I walked into a Chemist and asked to talk to a Male Pharmacist.

The woman I was speaking with said she was the only Pharmacist and since she and her Sister owned the shop, there were NO Male employees.

She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male Pharmacist.??

She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying,

“This is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So, I was wondering what you could give me for it”..???

The Pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll talk to my Sister.”

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length and here’s the absolute best we can do :-

• Free room and board,

• 1/3 ownership in the business,

• a Company Car,

• a King Size Bed, and

• £2,000 a month in Living Expenses.

 

Mick says to Paddy "Whats wrong Paddy, you look sick"? "I want to sell my car but no one will buy it. It's done 96,000 miles"

"Why don't you put the clock back, it'll sell then"

"Good idea says Paddy, I'll do that"

Two weeks later, Mick sees Paddy and asks him about the car. "Did you sell it mate"?

"Why should I sell a car that's only done 12,000 miles....