This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny. The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle. Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
Due to my total obsession with Police interview techniques, my wife has told me that she’s leaving me. For the benefit of the tape she left at 9.07 am :
Good to see Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell wearing their masks out in public. please log in to view this image 1
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there". At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather." "Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I'm William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!
This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in. They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea. The lorry driver just stood up and walked out. The Hell's Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said, "He wasn't much of a man was he?" "No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"
Try this puzzle.....its amazing......!!! This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it is my absolute fave film.....it does work....!!! Pick a number between 1 & 9 Multiply it by 3 Add 3 to that number Multiply again by 3 Add the two digits together and see results below: 3. Oliver Twist... 4. Star Wars... 5. Goodfellas... 6. Saving Private Ryan... 7. Jaws... 8. Grease... 9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys.... 10. Mary Poppins... See......it's spot on.......!!!
Lidl will open 25 new stores in the UK this year creating 1,000 jobs. This will include 7 new checkout operators.