Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square, and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, and I'll marry them..."

 

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A young widow goes to see her gynecologist for an examination. He says to her "You're still a virgin but you've been married three times, how come?"
The widow replies "My first husband was an astronomer, all he did was stare at it. The second was a psychologist, all he did was talk to it. My third husband was a stamp collector, bloody hell, I do miss him"

 

Good to see Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell wearing their masks out in public.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:
"Easy, William, we won't be long".
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says,
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I'm William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!

 

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This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.
They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.
The lorry driver just stood up and walked out.
The Hell's Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said, "He wasn't much of a man was he?"
"No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"

 

Try this puzzle.....its amazing......!!!
This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it is my absolute fave film.....it does work....!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist...
4. Star Wars...
5. Goodfellas...
6. Saving Private Ryan...
7. Jaws...
8. Grease...
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys....
10. Mary Poppins...
See......it's spot on.......!!!

 

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Finally, a picture that captures 2020.

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Lidl will open 25 new stores in the UK this year creating 1,000 jobs.

This will include 7 new checkout operators.