Off Topic The 'Like' Brothel

Good to see Jeremy Corbyn and John McDonnell wearing their masks out in public.

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1

 

Wife and me were hungry last night and went to my local Chinese restaurant asked for the specials, they gave me to much foo yung.

 

Brilliant!

 

from NI.

 

Morning

 

Acs

 

In the pub the other day I was telling the old joke about what do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Answer...throw your dirty washing in. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said " I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits". I said " I'm so sorry, did he drown?" No he said " he choked on a sock "

 

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.
The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:
"Easy, William, we won't be long".
Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,
"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there".
At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,
"William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says,
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I'm William, this little bastard's name is Kevin!

 

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This lorry driver sat eating his egg and chips in a transport cafe, when ten Hells Angels walked in.
They walked up to the lorry driver, started eating his dinner and drinking his tea.
The lorry driver just stood up and walked out.
The Hell's Angel leader walked up to the counter and sticking his chest out said, "He wasn't much of a man was he?"
"No" said the cafe manager, "he wasn't much of a lorry driver either, he's just reversed over ten motorbikes!"

 

Try this puzzle.....its amazing......!!!
This maths sequence can predict your favourite film. Mine was Goodfellas.....Not sure how it knows but it is my absolute fave film.....it does work....!!!
Pick a number between 1 & 9
Multiply it by 3
Add 3 to that number
Multiply again by 3
Add the two digits together and see results below:
3. Oliver Twist...
4. Star Wars...
5. Goodfellas...
6. Saving Private Ryan...
7. Jaws...
8. Grease...
9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats and Leather-Clad, Oiled-Up Lady Boys....
10. Mary Poppins...
See......it's spot on.......!!!

 

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Finally, a picture that captures 2020.

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Lidl will open 25 new stores in the UK this year creating 1,000 jobs.

This will include 7 new checkout operators.

 

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.�
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer�
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.�
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.�
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.�
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.�
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.�
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.�
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.�
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.�
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.�
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.�
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.�
When chemists die, they barium.�
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.�
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.�
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.�
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.�
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?�
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.�
Broken pencils are pointless.�
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.�
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.�
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.�
Velcro - what a rip off!

 

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