Jokes

Sweet thought.

 

,My wife was in the kitchen Sunday morning cooking me eggs and bacon for breaky when I heard a sudden thud. I rushed in to find her laying on the floor ,hardly breathing. I didn't know what to do. I was in a blind panic, then I remembered, the club down the road did $5.00 all you can eat breakfasts on Sundays.

 

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The man lay dead in his seat. The Flight attendant spoke to his wife sitting next to him. "But, madam, when we asked you to turn off all electrical devices we didn't mean your husband's pace maker."

 

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "Thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

 

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A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting syphilis: which is why I came
here in the first place

 

A young ventriloquist was touring Sweden and, one night, he was doing a show
in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he started going through some standard dumb
blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's
hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from
reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others
think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate
discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically
all in the name of humor!"

The stunned ventriloquist started to apologize, but the blonde interrupted
and screamed:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."