Off Topic Jokes thread

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How do you get a fat lass into bed.
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Piece of cake

 

I always keep a get well card on the mantlepiece, so when I have visitors I don’t have to explain why the house looks like a sh-thole.


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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own friggin blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.