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Today's Kids and Exams

Discussion in 'Queens Park Rangers' started by QPR999, Feb 10, 2012.

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  1. QPR999

    QPR999 Well-Known Member
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    I saw this on the 'Mackems' board and thought I would post it here for a chortle.
    Many thanks go to shieldscat who posted it originally.


    Kids these days!!
    The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

    Q.. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
     
    #1
    QPR999, Feb 10, 2012
    Uber_Hoop, NorwayRanger and KooPeeArr like this.
  2. Sooperhoop

    Sooperhoop Well-Known Member

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    Brilliant, some classics there! My wife works in a primary school and regularly gets some howlers from the kids...
     
    #2
    Sooperhoop, Feb 10, 2012
  3. Woodyhoopleson

    Woodyhoopleson Well-Known Member

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    That is fantastic. Some brilliant brains out there. Reminds me, when I was at school we had an iq test. One question was, "how do you tell the age of a horse?" answer "cut it's leg off and count the circles"
     
    #3
    Woodyhoopleson, Feb 10, 2012
  4. Dave Thomas

    Dave Thomas Active Member

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    999 outstanding pissed myself here
    Best read I have had since the time waster diaries
     
    #4
    Dave Thomas, Feb 10, 2012
  5. superdoopahoopsa

    superdoopahoopsa Member

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    Brilliant. Slighty ashamed though that these people are in my age group as I only left school 2 years ago
     
    #5
    superdoopahoopsa, Feb 10, 2012
  6. Woodyhoopleson

    Woodyhoopleson Well-Known Member

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    Ashamed? You should be proud.
     
    #6
    Woodyhoopleson, Feb 10, 2012
  7. ashbyhoops

    ashbyhoops Member

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    Quality, funniest thing I've heard since jasper carrots insurance claims
     
    #7
    ashbyhoops, Feb 10, 2012
  8. FFS.73

    FFS.73 Active Member

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    Let's see how bright we are then.....

    >There are only nine questions.
    >*
    >This is a quiz for people who know everything!
    >I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
    >These are not trick questions.
    >They are straight questions with straight answers..
    >*
    >1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor
    >* * the participants know the score or the leader until the
    >* * contest ends.
    >*
    >2. What famous North American landmark is constantly
    >* * moving backward?
    >*
    >3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their
    >* * own for several growing seasons.** All other vegetables
    >* * must be replanted every year.** What are the only two
    >* * perennial vegetables?
    >*
    >4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
    >*
    >5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy,
    >* * with a real pear inside the bottle.** The pear is whole
    >* * and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut
    >* * in any way.** How did the pear get inside the* bottle?
    >*
    >6. Only three words in standard English begin with the
    >* * letters ' dw' and they are all common words.
    >* * Name two of them.
    >*
    >7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
    >* * Can you name at least half of them?
    >*
    >8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen,
    >* * canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
    >*
    >9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet
    >* * beginning with the letter* 'S.'
    >*
    I'll post the answers a bit later, if anyone takes up the challenge...If you resort to Google, shame on you....Plus the q's are a bit American , sent to me by a Yank....
     
    #8
    FFS.73, Feb 10, 2012
  9. Chris.

    Chris. #bringbackchris

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    <laugh> <applause>

    Amazing.

    Gonna have to go and put it on the Liverpool board if you don't mind! :D
     
    #9
    Chris., Feb 10, 2012
  10. Woodyhoopleson

    Woodyhoopleson Well-Known Member

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    SB:

    1. Football - assuming you mean the final score.
    2. Statue of liberty (due to the way she's facing, and the earths rotation.
    3. ?
    4. Strawberry.
    5. Did it grow in the bottle
    6. Dwindle, dwarf.
    7. Full stop, comma, question mark, exclaimation mark, apostrophe, colon, semi- colon, hyphen...
    8. Mushroom?
    9. Shoes, socks, slippers, sandals, sneakers, stilletoes.
     
    #10
    Woodyhoopleson, Feb 10, 2012

  11. Sooperhoop

    Sooperhoop Well-Known Member

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    SB: As Woody except:

    1 Cycling time-trial
    6 Dwell
    8 Banana (goes black if frozen)
     
    #11
    Sooperhoop, Feb 10, 2012
  12. Queenslander!!

    Queenslander!! Well-Known Member

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    OK..
    1..Golf

    2. Statue of Liberty

    3.Tomatoes

    4.Strawberries

    5.Dried pear / plant the tree and cover it with bottles !!

    6. Dwindle, Dwindled & dwindler...!!

    7.Full stop, comma, colon, semi colon, question mark, apostrophy?, exclamation mark?

    8.No Idea..but i want to know and so does my boss as we are the biggest producers of freah fruit and Veg in the southern hemisphere!!!

    9a.size 1's, size 2's, size 3's, size 4's, size 5's, size 6's, size 7's, size 8's & size' 9's! ok?
    9b, shoes, sock, slippers, sandals (thongs) sloppy joes, safety boots, salmon,strips of tape and sheep!!

    God i'm dumb !!!how did i do then !!
     
    #12
    Queenslander!!, Feb 10, 2012
  13. QPR999

    QPR999 Well-Known Member
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    Feel free Chris, as shieldscat said to me... that's why we all come on here for..entertainment & fun.
     
    #13
    QPR999, Feb 11, 2012
  14. QPR999

    QPR999 Well-Known Member
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    1. Boxing
    2. Presidents memorial
    3. Carrots and potatoes
    4. Strawberry
    5.No idea, but the pear must of somehow grew inside the bottle first. No way you could squeeze it in.
    6. Dwarf, Dwell, Dwagon ( If your Jonathon Ross. )
    7.Comma, full-stop, apostrophe, hyphen, brackets, speech-marks, colon, semi- colon.
    8. Lettuce.... Had to think hard about that one. ( It's not a banana is it? )
    9. Slippers, trainers, socks, shoes, skis, and...er...er...boots? Are they different from shoes?
     
    #14
    QPR999, Feb 11, 2012
  15. Queenslander!!

    Queenslander!! Well-Known Member

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    so come on then...answers please!!
     
    #15
    Queenslander!!, Feb 11, 2012
  16. Trypsin-1

    Trypsin-1 Active Member

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    1 Boxing
    2 Niagra Falls
    3 Asparagus and Rhubarb
    4 Strawberry
    5 Grew inside it?
    6 Dwarf, Dwindle, Dwell
    7 Comma, Colon, Semi-colon, Dash, Hyphen, Apostrophe, Question mark, Exclamation mark
    8 Lettuce
    9 Shoes, Socks, Sandals, Sneakers, Slippers...Skating blades?

    To be honest, i've heard a few of them before in quizzes and i work in culinary so it wasn't too hard
     
    #16
    Trypsin-1, Feb 11, 2012
  17. Queenslander!!

    Queenslander!! Well-Known Member

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    Niagra Falls?..really?...or is that just a guess...?
     
    #17
    Queenslander!!, Feb 11, 2012
  18. Queenslander!!

    Queenslander!! Well-Known Member

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    Mate..just a flier..you dont see black bananas anymore..thats becuase we ripen the exact amount as they are needed and requsted, so there are hardly ever any extras in the shops now-a-days...just another useless bit of info...!!
     
    #18
    Queenslander!!, Feb 11, 2012
  19. Trypsin-1

    Trypsin-1 Active Member

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    Yep, I've heard it before and I thought it must be Statue of Liberty but alas it is not
     
    #19
    Trypsin-1, Feb 11, 2012
  20. FFS.73

    FFS.73 Active Member

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    No need to post these as the Skinman has it spot on......reckon there may be a few alternative answers and the punctuation mark one is US only.....

    >Answers To Quiz:
    >*
    >1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor
    >* * the participants know the score or the leader until
    >* * the contest ends: Boxing .
    >*
    >2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
    >* * Niagara Falls ...* The rim is worn down about two and
    >* * a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons
    >* * of water that rush over it every minute.
    >*
    >3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their
    >* * own for several growing seasons: Asparagus and rhubarb .
    >*
    >4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside: Strawberry .
    >
    >5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
    >* * It grew inside the bottle.* The bottles are placed over* pear
    >* * buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the
    >* * tree.** The bottle is left in place for the entire growing
    >* * season.** When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off
    >* * at the stems.
    >*
    >6. Three English words beginning with dw:
    >* * Dwarf, Dwell and Dwindle
    >*
    >7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar:
    >* * Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen,
    >* * apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point,
    >* * quotation mark, brackets, parenthesis, braces,
    >* * and ellipses.
    >*
    >8.* The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned,
    >* ** processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce .
    >
    >9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning
    >* * with 'S': Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis,
    >* ** skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts .
    >
    Right, back to the footy......
     
    #20
    FFS.73, Feb 11, 2012
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