Jokes

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A man was lying in bed, his wife was lying beside him, then for an hour, they lied to each other.

 

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A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."

 

A bodybuilder was admiring his body in the mirror when he noticed he was suntanned everywhere but his penis. So, he went to the beach, naked, and buried himself in the sand with only his penis sticking out.

Two elderly ladies walked by and saw this penis sticking out of the sand. One of them moved it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There isn't any justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

"When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I demanded it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too fu*king old to squat."

 

A blond woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

The wife went to watch a local women's football match and when she came home she said 'theyre not really that good'.... I replied 'ooh,why'... she said 'the ball went into someone's garden right near the end and a little boy kicked it back,he got man of the match'

 

There ain't no heaven that will accept Makemstine, and you're a close second.

 

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ooooohhh you is naaasty when i go up there to heaven i'm going to make an appeal to get you banned

 

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I hope i's a rubber band, then I can play my elastic trumpet.

 

Just read on another site that following a gruelling and sometimes dangerous car chase through New York, the papperazzi finally managed to lose harry and Meagain.

 

A mate of mine is a keen golfer and he looked a bit down after a round versus a rival member, I asked 'i take it that you lost the game'.....he said 'on the final hole it all went to pieces, I hit a bad shot a marc Bolan...'a what shot' I said....'a Bolan,looked great till it hit the tree' he replied

 

A Jewish kamikaze pilot- flew his plane into his brother's scrap yard

 

Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69.

Paddy's never done one before so Mary says shell show him.

She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him.

As she lowers herself onto his face she farts,. apologizing she tries again

But farts again.

Paddy jumps Up and storms out yelling... storms out yelling...

"Ill be ficked if I'm hanging around for 67 more of them'