Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Well bless me I didn't know that!

 

Aftermath

Have you forgotten yet?...
For the world's events have rumbled on since those gagged days,
Like traffic checked while at the crossing of city-ways:
And the haunted gap in your mind has filled with thoughts that flow
Like clouds in the lit heaven of life; and you're a man reprieved to go,
Taking your peaceful share of Time, with joy to spare.
But the past is just the same--and War's a bloody game...
Have you forgotten yet?...
Look down, and swear by the slain of the War that you'll never forget.

Do you remember the dark months you held the sector at Mametz--
The nights you watched and wired and dug and piled sandbags on parapets?
Do you remember the rats; and the stench
Of corpses rotting in front of the front-line trench--
And dawn coming, dirty-white, and chill with a hopeless rain?
Do you ever stop and ask, 'Is it all going to happen again?'

Do you remember that hour of din before the attack--
And the anger, the blind compassion that seized and shook you then
As you peered at the doomed and haggard faces of your men?
Do you remember the stretcher-cases lurching back
With dying eyes and lolling heads--those ashen-grey
Masks of the lads who once were keen and kind and gay?

Have you forgotten yet?...
Look up, and swear by the green of the spring that you'll never forget.

Siegfried Sassoon.

 

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says.
"It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra… I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving".

 

A man was laying on his hospital bed when a nurse heard him ask Are my testicles black? The nurse replied They are fine. The nurse again heard the man ask Are my testicles black? The nurse replied They are fine. Again the nurse heard the man ask Are my testicles black? So the nurse lifts up his bed gown and examined his testicles and replied They are fine. The man takes off oxygen mask and said thank you for that but are my test results back?

 

Six men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died...

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!" The man responds, "I'll go tell him."

 

My local furniture shop keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

 

Have you all seen this guy that keeps dipping his testicles in glitter?


It’s pretty nuts.

 

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The Pope recently paid an unexpected but much appreciated visit to Liverpool for the dispensing of miracles.

During one of his audiences he met young Billy, a deeply troubled boy. Billy summoned up his courage and he asked the Pope if he could help him with his hearing.

The Pope was thrilled to be asked and put his hands over Billy’s ears and after praying he asks “How is your hearing now Billy?”

Billy shrugged his shoulders and said “Dunno yet, it’s not until next Wednesday”

 

Exercise for over 60’s

Begin by standing on an even surface where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2.5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out to the side and try to hold them level for as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute and then lower your arms and relax. Congratulate yourself with a nice cup of tea. You have earned it. Each day you should find that you can hold this position for just a little longer as your body becomes accustomed to it.

After a couple of weeks move up to 5kg potato bags and repeat the above, congratulating yourself every day that you have reached another huge milestone.

Very soon you will be able to hold a much larger bag and eventually, try to get to where you can hold a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a minute (I’m already at this level).

When you are feeling very confident at that level, put a single potato in each bag......

 

The Queen visits a hospital and was meeting patients. The Doctor pulls back the curtains to see a man masterbating. The Queen ask what is wrong with him? The Doctor replied He is preducing too much sperm so he has to masterbate at least 8 times a day. The Doctor pulls the curtains of the next bed to find a nurse giving the man in the bed a blowjob. The Queen asks What is wrong with him? The Doctor replied The same as the other fella but he's with Bupa.

 

Roman mosaic and villa complex found in Rutland farmer's field - BBC News

What an amazing discovery!