Off Topic And Now for Something Completely Different

i think it's empathy. clammy palms, etc.

 

Not the real debate, moderators.

 

An old man was eating at a truck stop minding his own business, when three dangerous-looking bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into his pie and then took a seat at the counter.

The second walked up to the old man, spit into his milk and then took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man, turned over his plate, and then took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly paid and left the diner.

One of the bikers said to the waitress, “Humph, not much of a man, was he?”

The waitress looked out the window and replied, “Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.”

 

http://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/watc...irst-dashcam/story-29791750-detail/story.html
Watch drive through Hull in 1969 on first 'dashcam'

I don't know if this was posted a week or two ago after it appeared in the HDM. It's not possible to use the forum search option anymore.

 

http://edition.cnn.com/2016/06/18/health/dads-fathers-day-cheerio-challenge-trnd/

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Call the social services, traumatised kids. Well they will be when they grow up and their parents are sharing the pics.

 

I managed the cheerios, but I'm struggling on the next level.

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I'd rather vote for one of those two though if I had the choice.

 

Electric Ladyland by The Jimi Hendrix Experience came out on this day 48 years ago.

 

Can you imagine the Pankhursts crying if a policeman had burst their balloon?

 

OLD AGE GOLF

Bob is 90 years old. He's played golf every day at his club since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Bob. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight

"Where did it go?" asks Bob.

"Can't remember."

 

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The Sweet Shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of assorted sweets.

Then the Off-Licence owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.She touched a drop of the
liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

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A man wakes up and finds himself in a hospital room, one with only himself in it.
He has no recollection of how he got there.

While pondering it, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.
A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man, "I have really bad news.

You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got the results back this morning. I'm afraid you have Avain flu, Ebola, and you're positive for HIV and hepatitis."

Stunned, the man asks, "Well, what's next!? What are you going to do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, for starters, we're putting you on a strict diet of only pizza."

"Will that really help me, doctor?"

"No", the doctor begins, "but it's all we can fit under the the door."

 

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties.

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is.

She bought me some Viagra, and I bought her a treadmill.

 

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!

 

With Halloween coming up I decided to go to my local fancy dress shop to see if I could get a Dracula costume.

After a few minutes the assistant handed me a Man Utd shirt.

"I think you have misheard me, I said I wanted to look like a count"