Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Airline Catering Problem

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew – lead flight attendant – for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering service. I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."

When passenger muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later.
"If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available.”

 

Tony won't be happy with you spilling the beans on his operation, Kiwi.

 

Me and the girlfriend went out for lunch today. Money is a bit tight so after the meal she said, "Let's go Dutch."

I said, "**** that, let's go Greek!" and we both legged it.

 

Just watched an authentic Greek porno.
There was no money shot.

 

It was raining hard and.........
a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,

'And how many have you caught today?'

'You're the eighth.'

 

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room.
She flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."
Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe but the shoe would not budge.
"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".
Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groanand Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,"See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe,he cried,"Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,"That's my boy! He served in the Navy.Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 

Two old guys talking:
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday yesterday.
Wife gave me an SUV"

Other guy:
"Wow, that's amazing!
Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!"

First guy:
"Yup. …
Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.


"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure".

"I was late to a meeting, and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I then left my wallet in the cab I took home.

I then found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,

I buy a drink,

I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!

But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

 

“I have some good news and, I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?"

The solicitor says: “Well your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures this
Week that she thinks are worth a minimum of £2 to £3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed!
You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The solicitor replies:

“The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

 

Young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Harbour.
Just before she could throw herself off Circular Quay, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold..
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain "This is the Manly Ferry."

 

My band "Coldplay Secret Show" played a sold out gig tonight in front of 400 angry people.

 

A Kiwi and an Aussie are riding through the sheep country when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Kiwi gets off his horse, strides over to the sheep, shags it, and them gets back on his horse. He looks at the Aussie who is staring at him and says, "Sorry mate, do ya want a go too?" "Alright," says the Aussie and gets off his horse and walks over to the fence where the sheep is still stuck. After a pause, he looks back at the Kiwi and asks "Do I have to put my head in the fence?"

 

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, but I just got out of jail. I was locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party. In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in

 

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

 

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to bugger off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!

 

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going. "I said to her, 'Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome Kid trying to whistle!"

 

My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray.

He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

 

lofl!

 

Two policemen (Constables Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No Sarge. The floor is still wet.

 

Two Islamic fundamentalists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in themiddle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to getup and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetchit.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'