Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

Ed Balls, former economic advisor to Gordon Brown, has been made Chairman of Norwich.

Or, Notrich, as they will shortly become...

 

I'm paranoid and needy...

I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I'd like.

 

I left my wife because she constantly took the piss out of me about my obsession with levitation.

At first I tried to rise above it....

 

What's the difference between a battery and a Chav?

A battery has a positive side.

 

Went to a Weight Watchers meeting.

Spent four hours looking at some really fat f^cks.

 

(Sorry, Kiwi's going to fire me for some of these naff jokes...)

I went to watch my son's passing out parade.

No one really remembers much about it.

 

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

(sorry, that was p!ss poor, not my joke but lame effort!)

 

Tom was invited to his friend’s house for dinner. He found that his buddy called his wife every cute name in the book: honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, and baby.
When she was in the kitchen, he leaned over to his friend and said, “I think it’s nice you still call your wife all those pet names.”
“To tell you the truth,” his friend said, “I forgot her name abut three years ago.”

 

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...
Some things you just can't explain."

 

This guy is sitting outside on his lawn when he sees his blonde neighbor walk outside and check her mailbox. With a confused look on her face, she walks back inside. Five minutes later, the blonde walks outside again to check her mailbox. Seeing that there is nothing in it, she walks back inside her house. Another five minutes later, the blonde comes back outside to check her mailbox. After watching the blonde check her mailbox 3 times in a row, the guy is pretty curious. When she starts to walk back inside again, he asks, "What are you doing?"
She says, "My computer keeps telling me that I've got mail."

 

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

 

A blonde and a brunette are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem. The brunette whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

 

Was bored so went on the Liverpool page to have a laugh at the match report for the Exeter draw, was very confused to find a lot of them thinking it was a good result, U21s, injuries etc.. against a very poor league 2 club, on a very bad run hahaha made me laugh anyway, at least we know our results are ****!

 

Gracie was driving down the road in her pickup truck when she spotted a blonde sitting in a canoe in the middle a corn field. She slammed on her brakes and swerved into the corn field.
Pulling up beside the blonde, she rolled down her window and shouted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing?!?"
The blonde in the canoe looked at her, confused and said, "Well, I'm just out enjoying the sun in my canoe."
Gracie was fuming. She yelled back, "Why are you out in the middle of the cornfield!?!"
"Well, it seemed like a great day to be in the wide open," the blonde replied.
"You know," Gracie said, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your butt!"

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to check your vital signs."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

 

I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"

I immediately said, "Thirty-six."

He said, "That's not even close."

I said, "But it was quick."

 

A clinical drug trial involving a cannabis based painkiller has left a man with permanent brain damage.

He was initially thought to be completely brain dead, but eventually showed signs of life when a bag of Wotsits was opened in his vicinity.

 

A jihadi arrives in Paradise to be met by Mohammad.

"I've got some good news and bad news" said Mohammad. "I've got 72 virgins waiting to blow your cock off".

"Great" said the jihadi, "what's the bad news?"

"Your suicide belt already has".

 

I've just got through to the final of the world masturbation championships. I've knocked out thousands to get where I am today !

 

The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.

She's got a point, I suppose...


I work in a hammer factory.