Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

My wife left me because of my unnatural desires for all things pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now.

 

Very good

 

that was quick

 

I'm attending evening classes to learn how to make my own pasta.

I'm getting pretty consistent other than a fusilli mistakes.

 

I went to the doctors with spaghetti in my hair, penne in my ears and tortellini up my nose. I asked him what was wrong with me.

"Well first of all you need to start eating more sensibly", he said.

 

A girl at work was disgusted when she noticed a cum stain on my trousers.

I apologised and explained that I'd eaten spaghetti carbonara for my lunch.

For some reason pasta really turns me on.

 

Bloke walked in my local with with spaghetti on his head singing bob Marley songs..he was a pastafarian!

 

My wife didn't believe me when I told her I'd built a car out of spaghetti, penne and tortellini...

...You should've seen the look on his face as I drove pasta.

 

I used to play triangle for Bob Marley & The Wailers...

...My job was to stand at the side of the stage and ting...

 

Uber....you here all week

 

One night only, there's a jar at the door.

 

Here about the Mexican train murderer....he had locomotives,!

 

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It 's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

 

Tim vine methinks!

 

I recently spent $66,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!
He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him .......... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

 

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at a nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the **** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

 

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally
says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat
on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls
home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time
he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at
him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

or Milton Jones
or Stuart Francis

 

The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.

 

Why do men take showers instead of baths?








Pissing in the bath is disgusting.