Off Topic Heres a joke for you all

This has been posted before but still makes me laugh...

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!!!

That's the best I've done so far.

 

Sometimes I ask my wife to throw clay at me. I’m playdough-masochistic.

 

As I'm not getting any younger I've been putting something away every month for a rainy day.
So far, I've got 34 umbrellas and 18 pairs of wellies.

 

Past, Present and Future walked into a bar.....

It was tense.....

 

I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong in fact as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, which is now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

 

One afternoon a door to door salesman was doing his rounds and called at a house. He knocked on the door and after a few minutes a little boy aged about six years answered. He was wearing a white fedora hat with a peacock's feather in it. He had a pair of wrap around reflective sunglasses and several heavy gold chains around his neck. He wore a string vest that went passed his knees and a white fur coat that trailed along the ground behind him. On each finger he had two sovereign rings and heavy gold bracelets on each wrist. On his feet he had a pair of pink cowboy boots that went up passed the string vest.

In his left hand he held a glass of cognac, in his right a cigar large enough to beat a donkey out of a quarry with.
The salesman looked down at the little boy and said, "Excuse me little boy, are either of your parents home?"
The little boy took a drag from the cigar and replied, "Does it ****ing look like it?"

 

According to Tetley the best way to make a cuppa is to agitate the bag. So every morning I smack her on the arse and say, "two sugars, fatty".

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him...

....a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

Apparently they're going to film a remake of "The Never Ending Story", only this time it begins with a man asking a woman how her day went.

 

I'm reading an amazing book at the moment. I just can't put it down.
It's The History of Glue.

 

I tried to read that book as well but I got stuck on the first page!

 

By some strange coincidence I'm reading the Karma Sutra... and some of those pages are now stuck together too.

 

Funny you should say that, but I'm reading it and it's not the pages that are stuck!

 

Thats really funny, my wife and I are both reading it as well but cant decide if we should start from the front or the back.

 

If you start at the front and she starts at the back, you'll both cum together in the middle !

 

I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.
They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline,
inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack,
all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

 

A fella goes into a cafe, gets a coffee, sits on his stool and reads his paper.

A few minutes later, a priest comes in, does the same thing, sitting next to the fella.

The fella asks the priest : "Hey Father Pat, can you tell me what causes arthritis ?
Priest : "Arthritis ? Arthritis ? Yes, I'll tell you what causes arthritis ! It's all that drinking and all that smoking and gambling and going with loose women. That's what causes arthritis !
Why do you ask ?



Fella : Oh nothing ... It's just that it says here that the Pope has got arthritis.

 

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.