JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Teacher Arrested At Sydney Airport - Held in Isolation.
A secondary school teacher was arrested today at Sydney 's Kingsford Smith
Airport as he attempted to board an international flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a pair of compasses, a slide-rule and a
calculator.
At a press conference, an Australian Border Control spokesman said he
believes him to be a member of the notorious extremist Al-Gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Federal Police with
carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra can be a problem for all of us', the Spokesman said. 'They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values. They maintain secrecy by using secret codenames such "X"
and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.'
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to
every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, Opposition Leader Bill Shorten said
- "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."
Fellow Labour colleagues told reporters they could not recall a more
intelligent or profound statement by the Opposition Leader.

 

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

 

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria

and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to

"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit

Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.



Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody

Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning

level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they

have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300

years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France

are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent

fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing

the country's military capability.



Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish

navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"

to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!

I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie

is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last

final escalation level

 

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A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit



jump out across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal



lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .


The driver feels so awfulthat hebegins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my

car

and KILLED HIM."


The blonde says,"Don't worry."


She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the



two of them and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves



again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,



turns and waves, hops another ten feet,



turns and waves, and repeats this again and again



and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,


"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"


The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.It says..

(Are you ready for this?)(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair SprayRestores life to dead hair,



and adds permanent wave."