Off Topic Jokes thread

Just wondering if I'll get away with posting a picture of a couple of topless strippers!..........

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I’m fed up with my mates 3 times now they have agreed to go to a Whitesnake gig with me and then not showed up.

Here I go again on my own!

 

Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.
But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
"I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there," Paddy was prompted to remark.
“T’wasn't always that way," replied Mick. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
"I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand bucks, but as you can see,well worth it."
Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to
Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into
Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken
his advice and was well pleased with the result.
"You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand bucks only" said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin,
same doctor.
Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a
peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared
and he started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?"
"No wonder you got it at half price," Mick laughed. "That's my old one!"

 

"Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter.

"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?"

"I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse."

 

Couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I ask the kids if they had seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday...

 

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing.
Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.
“So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
“What are those?” he asked.” Viagra,” she replied.
“I’ll be damned,” said the patient, “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out"

 

I feel sorry for the staff in Greggs in this weather.

They must be baking in there........

 

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