The barnsley joke page

How can two women play Monopoly at the same time when there is only one iron?

 

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.
St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight.
It reaches the green.
Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street.
Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake.
A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball.
It's in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
"Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna f*ck around?"

 

An Irish farmer moved to Wales and set up a farm in the town with the longest name in the world,
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Sadly, his sheep did not survive the branding.

 

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Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month, time to change supplier I think.

 

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
"Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions."
"What? How could you?"
"Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free."
"Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?"
"Do you remember that you wanted the position of manager, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job."
"Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?"
"Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"

 

I got cut up by a taxi driver last week.
I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank.
I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?"
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of each taxi in turn, until I came to my target at the back of the queue.
"How much to the station ?". "$5" said the driver.
"Ok" I said "Let's go"
As we pulled out and overtook the other taxis I wound the window down and gave all the other drivers a thumbs up with a big grin on my face!!.

 

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists around the Top End of Oz.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the amazing abilities of the Australian Aborigines to track Man or Beast over Land, through the Air and under the Sea.
The Americans Tourists were incredulous.
Later in the day, as the group rounded a bend on the highway they discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one Ear pressed to the White Line, whilst his left Leg was held high in the Air..!
The Tour Bus stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine...
"Hey Jacky," said the Tour Guide, "What are you Tracking and what are you Listening for..?"
The Aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute... It's a Red One… the left front Tyre is bald... The front end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel... There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm Sherry. There are 3 Kangaroos on the roof rack and 4 Dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Good Lord man, how do you know all that information"..??? asked one tourist.
The Aborigine replied:...
"Cos Boss, I fell out of the f*cking thing about half an hour ago!!..

 

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.
"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kate Dannaher?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"
"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."
Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"
He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

 

I filled out a job application for the local council today and under disabilities I put narcolepsy and tourettes syndrome.

So not only will I be able to sleep at work, but if someone tries to wake me up I can tell them to f*ck off.

 

Our aunt Marge has been ill for so long, we're thinking of changing her name to 'I can't believe she's not better.'

 

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining

 

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?.........Gifted.

What do you call a blond with a whole brain?.........A golden retriever!!!

 

A woman was breast feeding her baby, when she noticed the window cleaner watching her.
Indignantly, she said, "what do you think you"re staring at?"
He replied, apologetically, "when I was a baby, I was bottle fed so I was just fascinated."
The woman says, "well, baby"s had enough but there"s some left if you want to find out what it"s like."
The window cleaner climbed in through the window and started to feed.
After a short time, the woman realised that she was becoming aroused and she asked, "would you like a little bit of some thing else?"

He replied, "have you got a rusk?"

 

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