Off Topic The best joke you know.

That would be our mild green hairy lipped squid sir.

 

What's black and white underneath and brown on top?

A nun with a monk on...

 

Excellent joke, this.

For Hans that does dishes is as mild as Gervase.

Corking bit of wordage.

 

Why do cows have bells round their necks?

Their horns don't work.

 

Four nuns are in the communal bath at the convent and there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" asks the first Nun.
"It's the blind man" Says the voice
"He's blind it won't matter" whispers the second with a giggle

So the third nun hops out and lets him in.

"So where shall I put up these Venetians then ladies" say the man.

 

A streaker ran by 3 Nuns.
2 of the nuns had a stroke...the other couldnt quite reach.


My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."

I stayed at a really fancy five star hotel once.

The towels were so thick I could hardly shut my suitcase.

 

Terrible joke, but it's the only one my wife can remember.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Flop

 

The court was in session in the middle of summer and the prosecution was just summing up when someone burst through the doors wearing a scarf and earmuffs and proceeded to touch the breasts of all the ladies present before running out again
Stunned, the judge asked the court recorder what had just happend and the recorder looked at his notes and said

"... a muffled titter ran round the court"

 

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

 

One evening a husband and wife were in bed. The husband was reading a book, and the wife was watching TV. The husband reaches over and puts his hand in his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. The wife was surprised by this and thought perhaps her husband was in the mood for a little love. A short time later the husband again reaches into his wife's panties then withdraws his hand. Now the wife is almost sure that her husband is in the mood. "She decides to wait for him to touch her a third time and then she will know for sure. The husband repeats the same move again. She leaves the bed, removes her clothes, and returns ready for sex. Her husband, still reading his book, is surprised when she says, "Dear, I’m all ready!" The husband asks, "For what? "She says, "Well, for sex, dear! You've fingered me three times in the last 5 minutes, and now I'm ready!" The husband replies, "Huh? Sex?? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages of my book.

 

A man walks into a pub with a cat under one arm and an ostrich on a lead.

He goes up to the bar and says "I'll have a pint, the cats on Pernod and black and the Ostrich will have a double Baileys"
"Right you are" says the barman
"I'm not paying for them!" says the cat "it's not my round"
"No, no I'll get 'em" says the man
The ostrich just necks his drink.

"Same again" says the man
"Right you are" says the barman
"I'm not paying for them!" says the cat "it's not my round"
"No, no I'll get 'em" says the man
The ostrich just necks his drink.

"Same again" says the man
"Right you are" says the barman
"I'm not paying for them!" says the cat "it's not my round"
"No, no I'll get 'em" says the man
The ostrich just necks his drink.

"Same again" says the man
"Sorry I've got to ask what's the story with the cats and the ostrich" says the barman
The man sighs. "Well I was walking home the other night and I saw a leprechaun being attacked by a crow"
"what?" say the bar man amazed
"Yep a real life leprechaun! Saved his life so he granted me one wish. Anything I wanted he said, the little ****".
"So what did you ask for?" says the barman.
"I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"

 

I went to a 90's themed dinner party the other day. They served Oasis soup. It was the same as mushroom soup but you gotta roll with it.

 

Paddy's round at Murphy's house.

"**** me," says Paddy, "this room has a very high ceiling."

"Aye," says Murphy, "we've had two rooms knocked into one."

 

what's brown and steams and comes out of cows backwards?


the isle of wight ferry.

sorry, that should have said cowes.

 

What do you call the first Syrian refugee off the plane ? Amir.
What do you call the second Syrian refugee ? Amir Azwel.
What do you call the third Syrian refugee ? Amir Azwel Azim .


How do you stop a woman sucking your d%@k ?
Marry her .

 

my wife is always moaning at me about her presents for xmas. "you never put any thought into it, why don't you buy me something I need instead of something YOU like for a change." now not wanting to upset the wee thing more than I do usually,I thought long and hard what would be the ideal present at xmas. her words kept ringing in my ears...some she needs, something she needs, I kept repeating to myself as I set off shopping. so I bought her some Vagisil and some breath freshener.

 

why do women wear makeup and perfume

cause they is ugly and stink

 

Long time ago I was a trouble shooter in the licensed trade. I was sent to the most beautiful pub. flagged floor, huge fireplace, thatched roof and a large carpark. during the daytime we transformed the menu and improved the standards and quite quickly the place picked up very well indeed. However the night time was different. not matter what I tried it just didn't work. the problem was, people kept parking in the large carpark, and having sex in their cars in front of other people, which was obviously more of an attraction than a Steps tribute band. really thou I should of know better as the pub was called the dog inn....

 

Two alzheimer sufferers are sat on a park bench when they hear the ice cream van . One says to the other ' Go and get me an ice cream , please.' The other one says 'ok 'and gets up to go. Then the first one says 'And get a flake with it , but write it down because you'll forget ' . 'No I won't' says his friend.
'Well , I want an ice cream , with a flake , and nuts . But write it down. '
'I will remember , don't worry '
' I think I'll have raspberry sauce , too , to go with the flake and nuts. But write it down so you don't forget '
At this point his friend is getting really wound up , ' I'm not going to forget, and if you tell me to write it down once more, I'm not going to bother going'
And with that he stomps off .
Five minutes later , he returns with a meat pie , and the other one says 'where's my chips ?'

 

Man walking along a beach stumbles across a lady with no arms and legs. They get chatting and he asks her if she's been cuddled before? She says no, so they have all little cuddle. He then asks have you ever been kissed? Again she says no, so they have a cheeky kiss. As things move on he says have you ever been f@@@ed? No she replies, the man quips "you will be now the tides coming in!!