Off Topic The best joke you know.

A guy checks into an swanky expensive hotel in London. When he gets to the room he sees a solid silver telephone decorated with opals, rubies and other gemstones. "What's that?" he asks. Concierge tells him it's a direct line to God and will cost him £5000 per minute.

Few weeks later, he checks into a gawdy downtown hotel in Vegas. When he gets to his room he sees a solid gold telephone encrusted with diamonds.
"What's that?" he asks. Concierge says it's a direct line to God and will cost him $20000 per minute.

A few weeks after that, he checks into a simple B&B in Yorkshire. On the side next to his bed is a plain, run of the mill telephone. "Is that the direct line to God?" he jokes with the friendly host. "It is actually and it only costs 10p per minute" Was the reply. "Why is it so cheap" responded the guest

"Eeeeee, it's only a local call you see, sir"

 

The bin man walks up to the Chinese takeaway and asks the owner:
"Where's your bin?"
"Oh I bin to Hong Kong"
"No, where's your wheelie bin"
"I really bin to Hong Kong!"

 

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic who couldn't decide if there really is a dog?

 

or the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic who lay awake at night worrying whether there was a dog.

 

Two policemen knocked on my door last night, and I was surprised to see they had a picture of my wife with them. One asked if it was her, and I confirmed it was.

"Well I'm sorry," he said, "But it looks like she's been in an accident."
"Yes I know it does," I replied, "But she's good with the kids

 

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What's square and hairy?


Pubics cube.

 

Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas, and it's still printing.

Yo mamma so fat not even Dora can explore her.

Yo mama so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled Taxi!

Yo mama is so fat, she got arrested at the airport for ten pounds of crack.

Yo mamma so fat she sat on a fifty pence piece and a bogie shot out of the Queens nose.

Yo mamma so fat when she goes swimming the whales start singing "We are Family."

Your mama's so fat, she was born on the 5th,6th,7th,8th & 9th of March!

Yo mamma so fat she broke your family tree.

Yo mama so fat her beeper went off and people thought she was backing up.

 

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When I was young, I used to dream of an endless love. Now, after all these years, I have an endless wife.

 

Q: If a centipede a bucketful, how much would a precipice ?
A: A sheer drop.

 

Greatest cartoon I ever saw was in Playboy circa 1975, done by Gahan Wilson - I've never been able to find it on the 'net, so I'll have to describe it...

Imagine a scene outside a posh building on Harley Street, in a row of high-class doctor's surgeries.

Four or five marble steps, adorned with ornate hand-railings, lead up to the solid oak front door. Next to the doorbell on the front wall is a sign stating " School for the Deaf".

Lying prostrate on the stairs, with a finger on the doorbell buzzer, is a skeleton, obviously having been there for many moons, with a sign attached to a chain hanging around its neck and a tin can in its free hand.

The sign around the skeleton's neck reads: "Help the Blind".

 

What' s Brown & Sticky.? A Stick.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

 

Arsenal in the CL group stages always makes me laugh.

 

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."