The Joke Thread: Feel free to add yours, doesn't have to be football related

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Was in a bank the other day and couldnt help but notice a poor old Chinese lady having an arguement with an exasperated bank clerk. Now having a basic command of Chinese, and being an extremely nice person, plus bi/lingual Chinese girlfriend we decided to assist. We asked the lady what the problem was and she explained that two weeks ago she had brought in 5000RMB, Chinese money, to exchange and she had received 275 pounds, one week ago she had brought in 5000RMB and recieved 260 pounds this week another 5000RMB and they where only going to give her 240 pounds. We explained to the clerk her problem and he replied that he was trying to explain to her it was down to variation in exchange rates and that it was beyond their control, well more yelling and arm waving followed and eventually the clerk, patience exhausted, shouted... look lady its simple its FLUCTUATION....

To which she replied... No fluk u white guy I want my money.

 

I was browsing through.... the for sale pages........and came across this ad........"unused Rudder".......I nearly phoned up PAFC to see If they had a use for a new rudder seeing they seem to be lacking one at present.

 

Best of Tommy Cooper.


My brother used to work in the circus, they used to shoot him out of a cannon.

Was he hurt ?

I don't know.........they never found !!!



You look down,what's bothering you ?

I just feel lonely,so lonely that this morning I sat down and wrote myself a letter.

What did you say in it ?

I don't know, I won't get it till tomorrow !!!



A little boy was standing on a street corner with a cigarette in his mouth and a glass of whisky in his hand.

An old lady came by and said, " sonny why aren't you at school ?"

He said," because I'm only three !!!".

 

Wednesday's best of Tommy Cooper.


A rabbit and a lion went into a restaurant and the rabbit ordered a head of lettuce with no dressing.

The waiter said, "and what will your friend have ?"

The rabbit said "nothing, he isn't hungary,if he were,do you think I'd be sitting here ?"


A man ran over a hare, so he stopped his car,got out and gave the hare a swig from a hip flask.

All of a sudden the hare jumped up and ran off into the bushes.

His friend said, "that's amazing ! what the hell have you got in that flask ?"

The man said."Hare restorer !"


I bought a racehorse about a month ago.

A friend of mine said, "what are you going to do with it ?"

I said, "I'm going to race it"

He said "by the look of it,I think you'll beat it !"

 

Thursday's best of Tommy Cooper.


The only time we see our neighbours is when we try to borrow back our lawnmower !


This fellow went up to a nudist colony and said, "I want to join."

The guy on the gate said "You can't join with that blue suit on."

He said, "What blue suit ? I'm Cold !"


The trouble with my wife is that she's a terrible backseat driver......so I decided to buy a motorbike and sidecar.

But this didn't stop her going yackety-yak all the time. Yackety-yak Yackety-yak !

"One day a policeman pulled me over and said,

Hey, your wife fell out of the sidecar six miles back."

I said "Thank God ! I thought I was going deaf !"

 

Friday's Best of Tommy Cooper.


This boxer got a terrible beating in the first round.

He staggered to his corner and the manager whispered, " You won that round."

He got a terrible beating in the second,third and fourth rounds as well and everytime the manager said, "you won that round."

The fifth round was the same.......he was massacred.

He staggered back to his corner and the manager said, "attaboy.you won that round too."

The boxer said,"then tell the referee to give him the next five rounds and call it a draw !"



I'll never forget the time I fell out of a plane.

That's bad.....not too bad.....I had a parachute.

That's good.....not too good.....the parachute didn't open.

That's bad.....not too bad.....there was a big haystack on the ground below.

That's good.....not too good.....there was a pitchfork sticking up.

That's bad..... not too bad.....I missed the pitchfork.

That's good.....not too good.....I missed the haystack !!!



Society people usually have dinner at eight and then coffee is served in the library.

I always thought the library closed at seven !!!

 

Saturday's Best of Tommy Cooper.


My wife is always telling me that women are like wine.....the older they get,the better they become.

So I locked her in the cellar !!!


My wife phoned, she said, "there's water in the carburettor,"

I said, " where's the car ?"

She said "in the lake !!!"


There was this fellow. One day his wife said, "get out of bed and get a job,"

His friend said, "so what happened ? did you go out and get a job ?"

He said "are you kidding ? where can you get a job at five O'clock in the afternoon ?"

 

OK the last time.

Sunday's Best of Tommy Cooper.


My wife is one of those women who always enters a room voice first !


My wife decided to knit me a pair of socks. They're fine,but a little snug under the arms !


I said to my wife, "lets go out tonight and have some fun." She said, "Okay, but leave the hall light on if you get in before me !"


I met my wife at a dance.....I thought she was at home with the kids !


I'm the boss in my family.Every night when I get home my wife brings me my slippers,my pipe and my apron !


I'm not knocking my wife. She is kind and considerate and really too good for me. If only she'd realize this and leave me !


When I first met my wife,every morning I tried to bring her breakfast in bed. It wasn't easy......she lived at the YWCA.


I gave my wife a ring on her birthday. I reversed the charges !


I asked my wife to marry me and be the mother of my children. She said,"How many have you got ?"


The other night I had an argument with my wife in the launderette.....but we went home and ironed things out !

 

Phew.....I bet your all glad that's all finished.

 

BARGAIN

Got a ton of burgers from Tescos

Only cost a Pony

 

Stop horsing about please.

 

They've now found traces of Zebra in Tesco's barcodes !

 

One woman turns to the other and says when I want to let my husband know he has no chance of scoring tonight I just wear my Argyle shirt to bed

 

That's no good Gat I'd just shoot even if I missed.............