The new jokes thread

paste your own if you so wish heres a starter for 400!

SCAM WARNING on Tesco's supermarket fliers " while packing shopping into your car, you may be approached by 2 attractive 18 year old East European girls, in tight tiny tops. They wash your windscreen with tits hanging out & ask for lift to next shop as payment.
On the way they strip
and go down on each other.
Then 1 climbs in the front and sucks you off while the other nicks your wallet!
I had mine stolen last Tues & Wed, twice on Thurs and again today.
Be careful

 

With all the political in fighting...............

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
Your nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.

 

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did......
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

 

Is this a new thread so the jokes can be repeated?

 

Ah, how I have missed JGF's jokes thread, happy its back

 

Whilst getting ready for work the other day, the wife spotted my Thermos flask and asked what it was for.
I told it kept hot things hot and cold things cold.
The next day I saw her on her way out of the house with my flask, rushing to work.
I asked what have you got in there and she said a bowl of soup and a choc ice!!!

 

ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM.... attack pieters out!

 

nicked from ROD I thought it quite funny

I just went onto BBC sport to get an update on the score, I looked and thought **** Bris are getting hammered until I realised it was kick off time 19-45

please log in to view this image

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at some traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunk guys pulled up along side of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turned to Sister Ruby, and said, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Ruby rolled down her window and shouted, "Screw off ye little fookin *** wipes before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Ruby then looked demurely back at the Mother Superior and asked, "Was that cross enough?"

 

Bloke walks into the doctors surgery with a frog on his head.

Blimey, said the doctor - whatever happened to you?

It just started with a wart on my arse a few weeks ago - replied the frog !

 

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

 

West Ham United qualify for next season's Europa League after topping the Premier League Fair Play table. now that's a joke

 

My aunt was fired from her job a a lollipop lady for stealing the lollipops yesterday.

At first I couldn't believe it, but when the police went round to her house all the signs were there.....

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 378,245,220,584,687,967 blades of grass and 333,435,589,357,836,382, 543,987 pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,silver, gold, amethyst.and diamond
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....
... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

 

A farmer named Murphy lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on.
After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Murphy went to his parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a prayer for the old fellow?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, maybe they`ll do something for your poor departed pet."
Murphy said, "I'll go right now. Do you think £500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "£500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

Shamelessly copied from Pompey board:

AMENDMENT#93489321 (4TH EDITION) TO UK FORCES (IRAQ) SOPs:
ACTIONS ON: IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE(IED)
1.Household Cavalry.
Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is 'absolutely preposterous'. Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the roundheads.

2. Cavalry.
Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne, hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more 'wizard prang', extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years.

3.Footguards.
Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2 X Battalions- worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess.

4.Armoured Infantry.
Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in sidebin.

5.Light-Role Infantry.
Find IED. Fail to find solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to COB under cover of mine tape.

6.Parachute Regt.
Decide IED is a 'hat'. Deploy most junior paratrooper to 'crack the hat's skull'. Call the junior paratrooper a 'hat' when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are 'hats' because they weren't there.

7.Royal Marines.
Declare that IED is 'hoofing'. Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free-weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from 'the galley'. Hoofing.

8.SAS.
Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of the OP.

9.SBS.
Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated-IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy.

10. SRR.
Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Brigades assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it's a small rock and not an IED.

11.Royal Artillery.
Level entire area ten square kilometres around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn't destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack.

12. Medical Corps.
Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards Private.

13. Chaplain Corp.
Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre.

14.Royal Engineers.
Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt.

15.Royal Signals.
IED self destructs to avoid WESTLANDS BOWMANISATION.

16. BFBS Radio DJs.
Send shout-out on BFBS Radio 1 to IED wishing it good luck and playing 'I Will Survive'. IED detonates out of shame and embarrassment.

17. Royal Military Police.
Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMPs issue IED with penalty charge for littering.

18.Army Air Corps.
Identify ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC's only missile and disband.

19.Intelligence Corps.
Deny existence of IED to unit reporting IED, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BGs with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results:
A-Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IEDs
B-Claim it's part of a come-on involving 400 insurgents and Iranian heavy-armour, as that's what the guy who cleans the toilets told them.

20.Div/Bde Headquarters.
Issue IED with a notification of controlled explosion. IED ignores/deletes message, as does the rest of theatre.

21. RLC.
Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another Units GPMG. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone.

22. RAF.
Send the RFS out to investigate IED; fail to notice they never come back. RFS patrol later found upside down in a WMKII in a ditch, in Syria. Patrol Commander admits to being a 'bit unsure about his position', is informed his position is now 'Private'

23.Navy.
Proclaim IED as a figment of the Armys imagination. Go on a Mediterranean cruise for 3 months. Come back to Middle East waters. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Armys imagination. (repeat indefinitely). Occasionally get taken hostage to relieve the monotony.

24. American Army. Send out a patrol in a hummer with Rhino deployed, then send out a Spectre gunship to destroy the nearest local village in retribution for when it all goes horribly, horribly wrong.

25. Australian Army.
Threaten to withdraw entire countries assets from theatre as they heard a rumour there was an IED identified 50 miles south of their position. Demand hand-holding by other already over-stretched British units and then complain when we make them actively look for more IEDs.

26. Romanian Army.
Confuse IED with their gibberish native tongue. Sign the IED onto their stores and attempt to make it part of their armaments supply due to under funding by a government that's abandoned them.

27 Danish Army.
Arrive in theatre and promptly invite IED to their camp to join in their BBQ and Drinks sessions held every night. Eventually starve to death as they'd forgot how to open their camp gates on account of having never left. IED detonates to attract attention and help.

28. Iraq Army.
Tip up five days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of IA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Ensure MND(SE) that area is now clear.

29. Iraq Civilian.
Dig up IED, take to nearest MND(SE) post and attempt to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to MJAM. MJAM take IED and bury it at target area. Civilian digs up IED, takes to nearest MND(SE) post and attempts to sell IED. And so on.

30. UK Aid Worker.
Show complete disregard for IED, fail to adhere to Foreign Office warnings on IED's, pay no attention to MND(SE) briefs on IED's and wonder what went wrong when their convoy gets destroyed by IED.

31. Security Contractor.
Use innocent civilian children to test road ahead of patrol for IED's. When child finds IED, claim child is insurgent attempting a come-on and shoot child. And his family. And neighbours.

32. Private Contractor.
Find themselves lured to Iraq by greed. Make more money in a week than some soldiers do in a month. Laugh at poorly paid soldiers being blown up by IEDs. Expect MND(SE) to help when they get blown up by IED. Wonder why they don't respond.

 

Boy in the bath with his mum
"what's that hairy thing mum"
"That's my sponge" says mum
"thought so" said the boy
"cause I saw the baby sitter cleaning dads face with hers"

 

A woman walked up to a smiling happy looking little old man rocking away in a chair.
She said " you look so happy, whats your secret for a long happy life?
I smoke 60 fags a day, drink 7 bottles of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise !
My that's amazing, "how old are you?"
Just turned twenty eight, he said

 

With age you get used to the fact that having no money, but a house worth £300k is damn annoying.. so downsizing is attractive..
A young estate agent was pushing me hard, after I casually mentioned it would be nice to cash in! after extolling all the virtues of a nicely situated flat ... he came in with the hard sell
" remember this is an investment for the future!"
listen sonny, I said, at my time of life I don't even buy green bananas anymore......