Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

**** off the lorra yers

 

Sheila stepped delicately out of the shower and slipped on the wet bathroom floor.
Instead of falling over, her legs skidded apart causing her to do the splits and suction herself to the ceramic floor tiles.
Stuck like a limpet to a ship's hull, she cried out for her husband.
"Bruce, Bruce," she yelled.
Bruce gulped down his tinny and came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned meself to the floor," she said .
"Strewth Sheila," said Bruce as he tried to pull her up. "That's some suction, you're stuck fast girl. I'll nip across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
Bruce and Cobba come running back and they both try to pull Sheila free.
"No way Bruce mate, we can't do it. We can't break the vacuum," said Cobba,
"Lets go to Plan B."
"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's Plan B"?
"I go back home and get me hammer and chisel. Then we break the tiles under her and release the vacuum." Replied Cobba.
"Spot on, mate" said Bruce. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her."
"Play with her tits?" said Cobba, "Not exactly a good time for that, mate."
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her hot enough, we can slide her through into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive.

 

Moshe is walking along Bond Street and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

 

This truck driver goes into a whore house, slaps £500 on the counter and tells the madam that he wants the ugliest girl in the place and a ham sandwich,
The madam of the house looks at the money and tells him, "for £500 you could have the most beautiful girl in here"
The truck driver looks back at her and says, "Hey look sweetheart, I'm not horny, I'm home sick."

 

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!!

I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?

Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”...

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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.
The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and
hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"
"Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom."

 

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Who has teeth growing down there?



Besides the daughters of kicking monster

 

Watch the film "Teeth", it's worrying

 

There is an old American Indian Myth about a monster named kicking monster. It is an origin of the vagina myth. It is my favourite myth of all time because it is so ridiculous. (For real, Google it, not a joke)

There was a monster called "kicking monster" (he liked to kick people into rivers to drown) and he kept the only vaginas in the world in his hut. The vaginas had teeth and would eat any man who came looking for them. (There were many). He hung the vaginas all over his hut on display.

4 of the vaginas took human form and kicking monster made them his daughters.

Anyhow the hero (some weird name) came along one day and kicking moster tried to kill him... So the hero killed kicking monster instead. Then he found the hut with the 4 daughters in and vaginas hung all over the walls everywhere.

The vaginas tried to seduce him so they could eat him, but he fed them sour berries that got them even hornier but made their teeth fall out. Then he collected all the vaginas and took them back to the village and distributed them out amongst the women there. They experimented putting the vaginas in different places, like the hand, the forehead and the feet, in the end they agreed on between the legs.

And everyone lived happily ever after... Almost. The 4 daughters were mad that the hero scorned them so they cursed the vaginas to bleed once a month and made STDs so that men would get sick from the vaginas (STDs are women's fault).

And, according to Indian legend that is why women today have vaginas... Menstrual bleeding, and STDs.

 

Love it (and something I could actually believe )

 

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to

the defendant, "You can let me try your case, or you can choose to

have a jury of your peers."
The man thought for a moment. "What
are peers?" he asked.
"They're people just like you your
equals."
"Forget it," retorted the defendant. "I don't want to be tried by a

bunch of thieves."

 

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A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."

 

I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have.

 

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I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

 

Apartment For Rent
...
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed please find a check for £250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat and water and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat and certainly no water, and
#3 - it was much too large for my comfort.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for £250 with the following note:

'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat and water, my apartment has plenty if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...
♏ Just for laughs