Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman…
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

It's an oldie , but a goodie. Zingy and Luv will like it

 

So racist it should be deleted.

 

#racism

 

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@moreinjuredthanowen . You are a moderator, if you are not comfortable, what are you waiting for?.

 

Everyones a little bit racist...

 

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a fatal three-way car crash and all went to Heaven together.
"Oh, this is awful," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you must think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those strange coincidences that happen. We weren't expecting you, so your quarters aren't ready. We can't send you back and we can't take you in."
Suddenly, St. Peter got an idea. He picked up the phone and called Lucifer. "Lucifer," he said, "this is Peter. We have a bit of a problem. We have three guys up here. They are ours, but we weren't expecting them so we need some time to fix up their quarters. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It should only take us a couple of days. What do you say?"
The devil was reluctant, but he agreed.
Two days later, St. Peter received a call. "Peter, this is Lucifer. Listen, you have to come and get these three clowns. The Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and the Roberts guy has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

 

Johnny had a swearing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him and if Johnny swore he should leave a pile of dog **** in place of the gift. So two days before Christmas Johnny"s dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a ****ing teddy-bear laying right ****ing here beside me when I ****ing wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a ****ing train going around the ****ing tree, and when I go outside I want to see a ****ing bike leaning up against the ****ing garage."On Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog ****. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog **** around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog **** by the garage. When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a ****ing dog but I can"t find the bastard.

 

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.
The assistant replies "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."
"You ****ing idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replied the assistant "Look at him; he daren't f*cking cough now!"

 

Zanjinho to act like was suggested

 

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

 

This is $145m found in a flat in Nigeria, apparently the owner, a Prince, tried to give it away on the internet, but no one took him up on the offer

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#allaboutzanjinho

 

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?"
And every time I tell them to **** off, before winking at the wife.
If she is that f*cking beautiful, why the f*ck are they trying to sell her back to me?

 

The Talk DAUGHTER: Mum!
MUM: Whats wrong?
DAUGHTER: I am worried.
MUM: Why are you?
DAUGHTER: Hair is growing here (between my legs).
MUM: Wow! that place where hair is growing is "monkey", so be proud of it.
DAUGHTER: mmmmmmhhh! smiled. sister, hair is growing on my "monkey"
SISTER: Thats nothing, mine is already eating "bananas"

 

I looked after my mate's pet python last night, but it escaped and got into the freezer. I guess I'll have to give it to him straight.

 

I've never heard freezer used as a euphemism for that before.