Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Probably it swallowed badger

 

Probably

I see you're playing Mafia

 

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over "How"s the second-hand pussy?"Quick as a flash, her lover replies "Great! After the first three inches, its like brand new."

 

Teacher: "Johnny why is your cat at school today?"

John (crying): "I heard the postman tell my mummy when the kid goes to school I'm going to eat your ****in pussy!"

 

couldn't find that thing that peels the potatoes and carrots so I ask the kids if they had seen it.
Apparently she left me yesterday..

 

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."

 

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

 

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.

The judge said, "Mr. Akpos, you are hereby fined N1000."

The lawyer stood up and said, "Thanks, my Lord, however my client only has N900 on him at this time, but if you'd just allow him a few minutes in the crowd to get the remaining N100.

 

A married couple is in bed asleep when the phone rings at 2AM.
The blonde wife answers and listens for a second and then shouts into the phone, "How should I know that's 150 miles from here!!!"
At that the husband rolls over and asks "who was that?"
The wife replied, "I don't know, some dumb woman wanting to know if the coast is clear!"

 

The North Yorkshire Police report finding a man's body in the River Swale, near Richmond.
The dead man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive marijuana consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and a 'Theresa May for Prime Minister' T-shirt. He also had a cucumber in his rectum.
The police removed the May T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
In spite of what we sometimes think, the police do care

 

My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.

 

good grief

 

FFS

 

Height of Misunderstanding !

Mr. Kapoor comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news… I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Kapoor receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Kapoor? "

"Yes… speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files… HOW ???"

" Yes ….. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!… This is too much…"

"Madam, I am sorry… I am just following orders… I have to inform that you are overdue.."

"I know that … let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.. "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts..

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off.."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"Well… I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle !!!

 

You get the prize for the worst joke here bar none..

 

My clothes dryer broke down the other day, so I picked up a newspaper to look for a reasonably priced used clothes dryer.

I found an ad that listed a "New, Still in BOX, Unopened, green & environmentally friendly Solar Powered Clothes Dryer" for £50. Wow! That was a bargain for such a high tech dryer. I ordered one with free delivery.

The day I received it, my jaw dropped! I got a box with clothes pins and several yards of rope.

 

A small boy was awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”

 

Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"

 

Once there was a one eyed man who walked in to a pet shop
He said "Hi I'd like to buy that parrot"
The clerk said "I think that the bird will make fun of your one eye
The guy laughingly says "I think I can deal with it"
He gets the bird home and says "Polly want a cracker?"
The bird replied "**** you you one eyed bastard"
Then the guy hit the parrot on the head with a spoon
He says "Polly want a cracker?" and the bird says "**** you you one eyed bastard"
Then he puts the bird in the microwave for 30 seconds and says it again and again the bird says "**** you you one eyed bastard"
So he puts it in the freezer and says he will come back in ten minutes
He ends up falling asleep for 3 hours
He wakes up and says "Oh **** the bird"
He goes upstairs to get the bird, opens the freezer and sees the bird frozen solid with his middle finger up and one hand over his eye