Bill, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I had a terrible day" replied Bill. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?" Bill replied: "Wrong room."
Little Johnny asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job." Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?" Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!"