A football soap opera

A meeting in Katherina's Office at St Mary's. Les is sat on a very low chair in front of Kat's desk. Kat is stood behind her desk but looking out of the window down onto Britannia Road .

Kat turns from the window and looks down at Les:

Kat: What are all those Securicor vans doing outside Les?
Les: They have come to collect the millions were getting from ticket sales for the Cup Final and from the sudden and phenomenal increase in replica kit sales Ma'm. We've been really raking it in this week. You just wouldn't believe it.
Kat: What do you mean? Are we making a shed load of money?
Les: Oh yes. It is coming in quicker than we can count it and we have just had another windfall for the Europa Cup games as well.
Kat: Let me get this straight Les. We are making an absolute fortune because we've been bloody successful. (pauses and has quizzical look on her face) Why hasn't this been the case before?
Les: Well the main reason is we haven't been able to hold onto our best players and I have had to sell them.
Kat: Why did you have to sell them Les?
Les: Well mainly because they wanted better wages Ma'm so I flogged them and got much cheaper players instead but mainly because that is why you employ me.
Kat: We employ you which means we pay you good money but at the same time we can't pay our best players a decent wage so you flog them.
Les: Yes. That's right Ma'm.
Kat: But if we kept them we would be really successful and make loads of money. (pauses thoughtfully once more) How much do we pay you Les?
Les looks very concerned and whispers very quietly a quite substantial sum of money.
Kat has that look that shows she is doing some important calculations in her head.

To be continued.

 

Scene 2 Southampton Job Centre.

Overweight round faced man wearing glasses and in a business suit sits in a cubicle with an employment advisor.

Emp Adv: How long have you been out of work Mr Reed?
Les: Since this morning. (He pushes his P45 across the table)
Emp Adv: It says here that you are a whizz with IT and great at buying and selling. Is that right?
Les: Yes I am very experienced at buying at the bottom of the market and selling at the top. I also was responsible for my last employer's sophisticated personnel recruitment computer based system.
Emp Adv: Well it would seem I have two possible positions for you. The first is a personnel assistant in the recruitment department at Sports Direct. They are looking for someone to help recruit people on the lowest possible wages and I think you would do well at that given your previous experience in recruitment. If that is not quite to your taste then your buying and selling skills could prove very useful for the local used car dealership who are looking to maximise the prices on the cars they sell while paying rock bottom values for cars they take in part exchange.
Les: Is that really the best you can offer me?

To be continued.

 

Scene 3 A week later.

A round faced rather overweight man wearing glasses and a sheep skin jacket walks across a garage forecourt and approaches customer looking at a car for sale in the showroom.

Les: Lovely little motor that one Sir. Came in only just this morning and I have had my eye on it for myself...........................................

The End

 

wow - that's a lot of typing for an old man! better lie down for an hour then!

 

Series cancelled after 3 episodes, because of single figure viewing stats.

 

But was revived after Katharina found Les in her shower and realised it was a dream.

 

Don't start going all Dallas on us Fran, once was bad enough

 

The viewing figures may be low but just look at the quality. All A1,A2,A3 consumers. Advertisers are queuing up to take space in the interval. This is the Manchester United of Soaps.

 

Err not sure what this thread is all about can anyone advise please? .......Really?

 

Godders is writing a novel that he'd like to be adapted into a TV mini series. He's just laying out the plot. Or losing it.

 

I wonder who they'll cast as Katharina and Les? My money's on Cate Blanchett and Ian McKellen.

 

Ian McKellen? He'll make a terrible Katherina, but I reckon Cate Blanchett could play an interesting Les.

 

I was hoping for a role as the overweight ex-footballer sat behind a desk on Sky Soccer Saturday.

 

Which one? You'll have to have some rhinoplasty if you want to play he whose name yours resembles!

 

A modern parable to show that Les is no more than a ****ing second hand car salesman and that we really do not need him, in fact we would do a lot better without him.

 

I'd like to see more of this.

I'd also suggest Matt Lucas to play Les with Melissa McCarthy as Kat.

 

Oh dear godders..........your brain really has gone then......

 

Mines been broken twice.. that's good enough!

 

Typecast

 

Scene 4 An office at St Mary's

Ralph is involved in a backstabbing meeting with a nameless fellow Director.

Ralph: Thank **** we got rid of that useless fat bastard.
Other Director: I think you got rid of the wrong overweight person.
Ralph: Don't worry we'll get rid of her soon enough as well and those ****ing happy clappers on the not606 threads too. You wait until the Chinese arrive.
Other Director: What is that supposed to mean?
Ralph: Don't worry you will know soon enough.
Other Director: You seem to have it in for everyone.
Ralph: They don't call me the Iceman for nothing you know.
Other Director: Can I put in a good word for Beddytare he seems a decent sort of bloke.
Ralph. **** off he's next on my list.

To be continued.