Football jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Dec 3, 2012.

  1. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    Not a football joke, but a joke tweeted by a footballer ....

    Ross McCormack ‏@Rossmccormack44
    "@_Jay_Cartwright: What's the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole weak." Superb!!
     
    #41
  2. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    A teacher asks her class if anyone can give a sentence explaining the meaning of the word “contagious”.

    Alice puts up her hand and says “Last year when I had German Measles, my mummy said I had to stay in as it was contagious”. Very good said the teacher and pointed to Gemma.

    “Yes Miss, my mummy says that if I cough I must cover my mouth as the germs are contagious”. The teacher, telling Gemma that this is correct, spies Paddy reaching for the sky.

    “Paddy can you give us an answer?” She says.

    “Yes Miss the bloke next door to us is painting his house and he is doin it with a two inch paint brush. My dad says it’ll take the **** ages”
     
    #42
  3. Infidel

    Infidel Well-Known Member

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    John Terry gets the ball on the training ground, first he goes up to Sturridge and side steps him, then to Moses and does the same with him, next was Cole and nutmeged him..............Rafa shakes his head and shouts...Terry, i said dribble round the CONES!

    I know its old now but a classic at the time <laugh>
     
    #43
  4. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    From Dec 19th. Again, not a football joke as such, but funny nevertheless. Takes 'dirty' Leeds to a new level ...

    Jeremy Clarkson &#8207;@JeremyClarkson
    It's strange. It was Chelsea Leeds when I was 10 that got me into football. When I was 10, some Leeds fans put a dog **** in my school cap. And then put it back on my head. This match matters to me.
     
    #44
  5. Arnold_Lane_HCFC

    Arnold_Lane_HCFC Well-Known Member

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    Dare I say ....

    Hull City 2 L**ds 0

    :biggrin:

    Happy New Year
     
    #45
  6. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    How was ur finance report compared to ours? :) explains why you beat us so easily
     
    #46
  7. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    Not sure if this qualifies as a joke, per se, but its as funny as it is sad!

    BAB26LECEAEAEKs.jpg
     
    #47
  8. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT AND WORTH £400,000 PER WEEK?

    "My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
    David Beckham

    "I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
    Mark Viduka

    "Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
    David Beckham

    "If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
    Neville Southall

    "I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
    Paul Gascoigne

    "I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
    Alan Shearer

    "I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
    Mark Draper

    "You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
    Peter Shilton

    "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
    Stan Collymore

    "I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham .
    My first rea_ction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
    Ade Akinbiyi

    "Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
    Ian Wright

    "I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
    Ugo Ehiogu

    " Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough."
    Jonathan Woodgate

    "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
    Stuart Pearce

    "I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
    Lee Hendrie

    "I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
    Ian Rush

    "Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had11 internationals out there today."
    Steve Lomas

    "I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
    Barry Venison

    "I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
    David Beckham

    "The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
    Phil Neville

    "All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
    Mitchell Thomas

    "One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
    Alan Shearer

    "I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
    Johnny Giles

    "Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
    Thierry Henry
     
    #48
  9. Barnsley Johno

    Barnsley Johno New Member

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    The best football joke ever!

    Leeds united <laugh>
     
    #49
  10. 2020VisionofLeeds

    2020VisionofLeeds Well-Known Member

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    I must be imagining things

    for a moment I could have sworn a Barnsley fan was on here
     
    #50

  11. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    Exactly what I thought haha
     
    #51
  12. Barnsley Johno

    Barnsley Johno New Member

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    Theres a few of us, we just arent active posters
     
    #52
  13. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    Johno, you share the same IP address as a well known WUM <doh>
     
    #53
  14. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    Theres a suprise who is it jaytab or whoever
     
    #54
  15. Whitejock

    Whitejock Well-Known Member

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    #55
  16. Jerel Ifil

    Jerel Ifil Well-Known Member

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    Get out of West Yorkshire, you grubby street-dweller.
     
    #56
  17. The-Don

    The-Don Well-Known Member

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    #57
  18. OLOF

    OLOF Well-Known Member

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    Bradford city have announced that cup final tickets will start at 60 Rupees each. and will be limited to 40 per household
     
    #58
  19. OLOF

    OLOF Well-Known Member

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    Tesco are in trouble again, apparently, human DNA as been found in Welsh lamb
     
    #59
  20. TC (Lovely Geezer)

    TC (Lovely Geezer) Well-Known Member

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    Joke thief <grr>
     
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