Funnies

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for man
kind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.
Gorsky."


Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either
the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people
questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement
meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer.


Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old
question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded.

Mr.Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the
question...

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in
his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As
he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard
Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying "Oral Sex! You want oral
sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"

 

Interesting. My first house cost a few quid under £4,000

 

Clearly I lived in a Posh area Ron.....

 

A little boy goes to his
dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let
me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the
administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will
consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother,
we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and
see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes
off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he
hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes
to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the
little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t.

 

When a girl gets a vibrator, it's viewed as a bit of naughty fun.


BUT when a guy orders a 240-Volt Sunbeam Master Pro 5000 latex doll
with 6-speed pulsating vagina, with huge breasts and super-size pink nipples,
elasticised anus with a non-drip semen collection tray, together with optional
built-in realistic orgasmic scream surround sound system; he's called a pervert!

 

Called round to see my mate today, walked in to find him sat on the sofa with his trousers and underpants round his ankles, knob in one hand, yellow duster in the other and a tin of 'Parade Gloss'
black polish on the seat next to him. "For Pete's sake!" I said, "You don't listen do you, you cloth eared twat, the man on the radio said don't forget to turn your CLOCK BACK!"

 

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'



Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

 

A stunningly beautiful woman went to see her gynaecologist.

The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window.

He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,

"Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied,"You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts

"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes of course I do," she said,

"You're getting Herpes:

Which is why I came here in the first place."

 

A Blokes just knocked on my door ...

I opened it and he was about 3ft 3" tall.

I said "Who are you?"

He replied "I'm the metre man."

 

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My wife has been giving me the old silent treatment recently, apparently I'm a "miserable bastard" because I wasn't as thrilled as her when she fell pregnant.



Also I'm a "complete bastard" who should of told her I was sterile sooner.

 

I bought a Jehovah's Witness Advent calendar for this Christmas,

but every time I open one of the doors someone tells me to 'Piss Off!'