know I have posted this before but seeing as our team are utter sh*te we need a joke/funny image thread/sticky. I still chuckle at this every time I read it. Customer Review 5.0 out of 5 starsVeet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . . ByJohn W. Osborne Jr.on 30 July 2012 After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good " Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status... So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
Review for this inexplicable 55 gallon drum of lube Backyard Carnival of Death By James O. Thachon February 27, 2014 I'm a risk analyst for a major insurance firm, so when my wife and I were planning a birthday party for our seven-year-old, Crispin, my mind naturally turned to liabilities. We'd settled on the theme of a "backyard carnival", complete with a swing set, a trampoline, merry-go-round, and a giant Slip `n Slide. So I carefully inspected the equipment for safety. It all seemed sound. We have a home on a bluff overlooking the ocean. As it happened, on the day of the party our neighbors were trimming their fichus trees. We heard the sound of their wood chipper buzzing occasionally from the other side of our tall hedge. It was a little irritating, but not disruptive. The party started off wonderfully. A clown we'd hired made balloon animals, Crispin eagerly opened his presents, and all the children enjoyed cake and fruit punch. The weather was mild, the skies clear. It seemed a perfect day. Then we brought out the Slip `n Slide. The problem with water slides is what we in the trade call "distributed water deficiency zones", or in layman's terms, dry spots. If a child hits one of these, it can put the brakes on the fun, and send them sliding down a path of medical claims--contusions, concussions, lacerations, abrasions, whiplash, back rash, and disc impaction. And that's just for starters. From there, it's a slippery slope toward major litigation. To avoid even the remote possibility of such injuries, I invested in this 55 gallon drum of water soluble personal lubricant--the idea being that the children could enjoy the slide in complete safety, then wash off in the hose before their parents came to retrieve them. With that in mind, I dipped each child into the vat before allowing them to cue up for the slide. The Slip `n Slide itself performed admirably, as did the lubricant. That, in fact, was the problem. Due to the slight downhill gradient of our yard, the children built up so much speed that they skidded across the lawn and into a retaining wall at the other end of our property, with sufficient force that I had to put an end to the activity. I endeavored to roll up the mat--no easy task, as the lawn surrounding the slide was itself now lubricated, and I struggled to maintain my footing. When I looked up from my labor, I grasped for the first time the scope of the liabilities I had unleashed--a horde of extremely well-lubricated seven-year-olds, hyped up on sugar and desperate for fun. I saw young Eliza Gimmelman climb onto the trampoline. She began jumping, but the pad soon became so slick that she lost all control. Her wild flailing unfortunately fell into harmonic synchronization with the motion of the springs, propelling her ever higher, until she soared above the trampoline's safety enclosure, over the hedge and into the neighbor's yard. There came a ghastly grinding sound, and I could tell from the crimson plume that followed, it would be a total loss. Twins Jeremy and Mason Lafferty were on the swing set. Having attained the swings' full range of motion, they were apparently having difficulty holding on. At that point, the swings became human catapults. Mason separated on the backswing, arcing over the roof of our home toward the street beyond. I surmised from the screeching tires, car horns and screams of horror that he was also unrecoverable. A terrified Jeremy soon lost his grip as well, sailing forward over the bluff, and plummeting 300 feet down into the ice-cold, shark-infested waters of the San Francisco Bay. An open claim, but not promising. The rest of the children were clinging to the merry-go-round. Having just witnessed the violent deaths of at least two of their playmates, they were no longer in the mood for fun. However, the lubricant had dripped from their glistening bodies into the central cog, allowing it to spin far faster than it was designed to, and this, likely combined with other factors--their relative weight distribution, the slight incline of the ground--caused their motion to become self-sustaining, and the centrifugal force built upon itself until they became a blurry, screaming disk of human suffering. Then they began to fly off like cannon balls. Martin Duckworth was the first to go, causing significant structural damage to our greenhouse. Lisa Aurelio shattered a line of ceramic garden gnomes, and Ethan Green slammed into our Audi Q7 so hard it had to be written off--as, tragically, did he. Several other children left what looked like gingerbread man indentations in the siding of our home. It was terrifying. When the wheel finally came to a stop, there was only one child aboard. As luck would have it, it was our own beloved Crispin, huddled in the center of the merry-go-round, weeping. My wife ran to him and hugged him with all the might of a relieved, traumatized parent. A little too hard, as it turned out. Lubricated as he was, he shot from her arms like a wet bar of soap, up fifteen feet in the air, landed on the trampoline, and then soared, in a half-gainer, over the hedge, into the wood chipper. Since then, I've asked myself a thousand times, is there anything I could have done differently? But in the end, no actuary table could have predicted this bloodbath. I can only conclude that this was an act of God. And that, to me, is truly terrifying. Because we're not covered for that.
Seeing as its a football forum, a mini bus pulls up in Helmsley square where I am sitting reading the paper outside the pub a bunch of blind lads get off and I have a natter with the driver he says the lads usually have a game of football in the square while he gets the beers in I said i thought they were blind he says aye they are but I have a ball with a bell in it and they listen to it and they quite good actually, we are at the bar and a bloke walks in and says is any body in charge of them blind lads out their and the drivers says aye I am is there a problem the bloke says you want to get yourself out there they are kicking f uck out of a morris dancer.
Av posted this one before as well but still funny imo. ( plus am p*ssed now) Inexperienced Curry Taster Notes from an inexperienced curry taster named Frank, who was visiting Phoenix, Durban from the U.S. "Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event." Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Frank: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These char o's are crazy. Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn curry Judge One: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: Call Colesburg, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer. Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Savathree, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac? Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Savathree saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those char o's! Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Savathree, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach. Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry? Frank: (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Over the years I've come across a few versions of this one. See if it warms up your humour muscles. Natal Curry Contest If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting From America. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecard notes from the event: CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer When they saw the look on my face. CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer. CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY... Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chili peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them. CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to **** myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream. CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably). Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry? EDIT While I was looking for this, it was being posted by Gill T. So at least two of us like it.
I once put deep heat on my piles by mistake in the bathroom, and that was a 'tad' painful for a few hours.
About 5-6 years ago I was giving my wife a back massage; I started with rubbing deep heat into the small of her back where she had been getting some acute muscular pain then proceeded to give her neck and shoulders a gentle rub for a bit. Thing is I was naked and during the second task my tackle was nestled in the small of her back and nearing the end of the massage I started to feel a burning... It only lasted 20 minutes or so but it was tear-inducing.
