JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Aussie Wedding Night


You can't get more romantic than this!


Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotelfor their wedding night.

The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,

"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

 

Kid`s Logic...
.........................

Eight year-old Emily gets home from school, and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels, because she's so good at them.

Mum says, "Emily, You should say No - they only do that because they want to see your knickers."

Emily says, "I know that silly . . . That's why I hide them in my bag"!
.......................................................................................................................
.Blessing in disguise.
.......................................

A guy goes into a pub and sits down at the bar, he's looking really depressed.
He orders six double Whiskies, and starts downing them, one after the other.

"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks, while the guy is finishing the fourth one.

"My wife and I got into a fight" he says, "and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know . . . a little peace and quiet, time to think things through?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought" replies the guy . . . "but today is the last day!"
...............................................................................................................
.Yorkshire man`s advice to his son...
..................................................................

Yorkshireman's advice to his son:

See all, hear all, say nowt;

eat all, drink all, pay nowt;

and if ever tha does owt f'nowt, do it for th'self.

 

The old wartime pilot came into he church hall to recall his exploits during the war. Once the audience of mainly older ladies were settled, the vicar invited him to start his tales of derring doo. He started slowly and built up to a crescendo of rat tat tat ducking and weaving, reliving every moment. "There was this Focker coming at me from the left and another Focker from the right". The vicar interjected at that moment and said " I should let the audience know that the Focker was a german aeroplane". The old pilot replied " yes, but some of the Fockers were Messershmits"!


Little Johnny comes home from school and as he goes into the lounge mum and dad are on the settee going at it like the clappers, little Johnny says " dad,dad, what you doing with mum" dad replies "we're playing cards now go and annoy your uncle Jeff and auntie Margaret" so little Johnny goes to his uncle and aunts house and as he goes into the lounge he sees they're both on the settee also going at like the clappers " uncle Jeff, uncle Jeff , what are you and auntie Margaret doing" " Playing cards so sod off Johnny go and see your grandad" so Johnny somewhat puzzled goes to his grandads and as he enters the lounge, grandad is laid back On the settee playing with himself, " grandad, grandad, what are you doing" "playing cards Johnny", " but grandad don't you need two to play cards", " not when you've got a hand like this you don't"


A man enters a bar, orders 6 double whiskeys and downs the lot in one.
He says to the barman, 'I shouldn't have done that with what I have got'...
The barman asks, 'Why, what have you got'?
He answers,......... '40 pence'.....

 

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, ’Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,’ Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

The moral of the story : Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

 

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"


She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."


"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

 

The 6th grades science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,
"You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!"
" I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind,
Two, you didn't read your homework,

and Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

 

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts” or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the “Guts” to ask:

........................“Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the “Balls” to say:

..............................................'You're next, Chubby.'


I trust this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

 

A young lad asks his Dad, "what's the difference between theory and reality" dad replies go and ask your mum and your older sister if they would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds" short time later the lad returns, "so what did they say son", " they both said they would sleep with him for a million quid", "now go and ask your brother the same question" the lad returns and says "yep our kid says he will sleep with him for a million quid". "Well son you now have the answer to theory and reality, in theory we're worth three million pounds, in reality son we live with two tarts and a poof

 

start a new one



This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and
don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite.

This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.






Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Go on admit it – It’s right every time isn't it.....?

 

Aren't you a clever bugger. Although, I am somewhat disturbed that this is on a list of your favourite films

 

Always adds up to 9. there are many versions of this..

 

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: "Don't miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign: "Don"t miss Jock The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?" "Well laddie" said the Scot "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be".

 

In a little village just outside Cardiff lived Dai and Megan.
Dai proposed to Megan and had been accepted. "But," added Megan,

"before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."

"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."

After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Porthcawl,
Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".

"No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together that'll be soon enough." That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret. You see, I'm a virgin."

Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "What are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."

"Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.

If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."

 

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression “I presume”.

One little girl held up her hand and said:

“Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good” said the teacher.

Another one said:

“This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”

“That’s excellent” says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: “Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the housewith a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that.......

”The teacher interrupted him and said,


“I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfatherwas going to do, so you can’t presume anything.

”Johnny says, “Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”


“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.

I presume he was going for a $hit because he can’t read.”

 

the new OC arriving to take command of a Cavalry unit stationed in the Sahara.
Whilst being shown round the fort he passes a large double door. "What's inside",? he asks. "Arr", says the Sergeant Major, best not ask Sir. "It's where the men go when they get randy, not ideal but keeps the troops happy and therefore good for morale, If you fancy having a go then let me know Sir"....." Never, disgusting but If it keeps them men in fighting form then I suppose I will have to ignore it" says the CO.
A few months later having not seen a woman for months the Col is getting somewhat frustrated. He decides to speak to the SSM.
"Sergeant Major, do you think you can sneak me into the barn without the men knowing, things are getting desperate" Wanting to please his new boss the SSM arranged to meet his CO at midnight.
Right Sir, in you go.
In goes the COL. In the darkness all he can find is a camel, tethered in a stall. The Col is disgusted but decides that if his men can shag it so can he. He tells the SSM to make sure he has a good hold of the tethering rope, grabs the ladder that is nearby, mounts the rear of the animal and tries to give it one.........."How am I doing Sergeant Major, am I doing as well as the men"? he asks. "Bloody Marvelous Sir, all the rest of the men ride it down to the brothel in the local village" !!!

 

A wealthy benefactor to a Testicle Disorder Hospital was being shown
around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male
patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing
that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:


"Same illness, private health cover.."

 

Somewhere in a pub in Cork.

A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers?"

"Well, I bet €5,000 that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes"

The bar was silent, one Irishman got up and walked out, and no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey Yank, is your bet still on?"

"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of €5,000."

"I'm ready" replied the Irishman, "pour the pints and start the clock."

And the Irishman started drinking the Guinness....

It was very close, but the last drop was consumed with just 2 seconds to spare!

"Ok Yank, pay up." said the Irishman.

"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.

"But tell me, when I first offered the bet I saw you leave. Where did you go?'

The Irishman replied, "Well sir, €5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, and I wanted to be sure; so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it"......

 

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3.
When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"

 

A man with a winking problem applied for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looked over his papers and said,
“This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools;
your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking
will scare off potential customers.
I'm sorry...we can't hire you.”

“But wait,” the applicant said.
“If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!”
“Really?
Great!
Show me!”

So the applicant reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he there was a packet of aspirin.
He tore it open, swallowed the pills, and stopped winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing?
What do you mean?
I'm a happily married man!”

“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed.
“Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

 

It's a pain finding the thread on I pad but managed to track it down and updated it with a few jokes for you ok
Still should be a sticky tho !