Joke Of The Day....

This is a thread dedicated to either cheer us up or keep us happy as we travel through difficult times..

If you hear a good one then share it with the rest of us and keep us smiling after all it's only a laugh...

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I read this one from brb on another thread..



A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said:

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."

"No, but it was my first day with the hook."

 

The Talking Centipede


A
single guy decided life would be more fun
if
he had a pet.



So he
went to the pet store
and
told the owner
that
he wanted to buy an unusual pet.



After
some discussion,
he
finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged
critter),
which
came in a little white box
to
use for his house.



He
took the box back home,
found
a good spot for the box,
and
decided he would start off
by
taking his new pet
to
church with him.



So he
asked the centipede in the box,
"Would
you like to go
to
church with me today?
We
will have a good time."



But
there was no answer
from
his new pet.



This
bothered him a bit,
but
he waited a few minutes
and
then asked again,
"How about
going
to
church with me
and
receive blessings?"



But
again,
there
was no answer
from
his new friend and pet.
So
he waited
a
few minutes more,
thinking
about the situation.



The
guy decided
to
invite the centipede
one
last time.



This
time
he
put his face up against
the
centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in
there!
Would
you like to go
to
church with me
and
learn about God?"
...


This
time,
a
little voice
came
out of the box,


"I heard you the first F****** time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

 

It will get better with practice onefor.......Millen only got worse........



Dad is out walking with young son when the lad sees a dead sparrow in the gutter!

Son:- "What's wrong with that bird, Dad?"

Father:- "It's dead, son, waiting for Jesus to call it up to Heaven!"

3 days later, Dad comes home from work, the little lad rushes out to meet him!

Son:- "Dad, Dad, I thought Mummy was going to die today!"

Father:- "What on Earth made you think that,son?"

Son:- "She was laid on her back with her legs in the air, shouting,'Jesus, I'm coming!' And I think she'd have gone if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down!"

 

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed, "I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

 

The thought never entered my mind bcfcredandwhite....

Farting All The Time......

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."