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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy "Dats Dem!"
    The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere" says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag". The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.
    They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 300 foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place" says Mick. He then takes the four birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
    Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a SPLAT!
    As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says "Fock Dat, is budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me..."
    A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and he's carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
    "Watch dis Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another SPLAT! and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
    Paddy shakes his head and says "An' oim never troyin that parrotshooting noider..."
    After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual SPLAT!
    Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hengliding!"
     
    #61
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing ! I panicked ! I didn't know what to do !

    Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
     
    #63
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    On the theme of coming home after a few pints of 'Ramsdens Stonetrough'
    A 'Tyke' struggling home at night, obviously after having had a reet kneckful,
    sees a man from the water board with a big 'T' handle,
    in the middle of the road opening a valve at the bottom of a manhole.
    He walks up behind him and gives him an almighty clout.
    "What's that fer" says the waterman...
    "Thats fer tunin' all t'streets roun' when I'm tryin' ter find mi way home"
     
    #64
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  5. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    #65
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

    The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

    The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."
     
    #66
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

    The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."

    The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
     
    #67
  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that, as she had always been a
    religious woman, her headstone should have the words "Lord, She was Thine" engraved
    on it.
    He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days
    after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the
    headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
    When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved
    "Lord, She was Thin".
    He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
    The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the
    following morning.
    Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put
    the "e" on the stone for you".
    The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E Lord, She was Thin".
     
    #68
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt."

    The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"

    The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!"

    The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my brown trousers."
     
    #69
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  11. Singing Blue 3

    Singing Blue 3 Well-Known Member

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    Pompey fan goes into a Summers pub and walks up to the bar, on the way he walks past a table where two Scummers are having a pint, underneath the table there is a dog sleeping, he carefully lifts its tail and is immediately censured by the Scummers and the barman, who ask him what he thinks he is doing. Pompey fan says' sorry lads, but a bloke outside said there was a dog in the pub with a couple of arseholes<laugh>
     
    #71
  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator
    The man says: " ;Choose one from our range on the wall"
    She says "I'll take the red one"
    The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher"
     
    #72
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

    The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork!"
     
    #73
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    An oldie but a goodie....

    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
    The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing.
    We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!
     
    #74
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p". They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
    Graeme, the old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
    There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis-shaken, not stirred-and says "That'll be 10p each, please".
    The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
    Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying "That's 40p, please". They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
    Finally one of them says "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired tailor" the bartender says "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. Wine, liquor, beer-it's all the same". "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
    As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
    Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender "What's with them?"

    The bartender says "They're retired people from Scotland. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price".
     
    #75
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Somewhat topical with this weekends fixture on the radar.

    A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
    Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
    The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
    'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
    The teacher, still shocked, asks, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

    'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
    The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
    'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
    'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
    Mary smiled, 'Then I'd be a Liverpool fan'.
     
    #76
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A Yorkshire couple go to the Costa Brava for a holiday, but on arrival, the wife says "I won't be able to make gravy with your dinner, love - I've forgotten the Bisto"
    The husband says, "Don't worry, there's an English couple staying in the next apartment, I'll see if they have any"
    So he knocks on the door of the next apartment, and says to the man" 'Allo, 'hast any Bisto"
    To which the man replies "Bugger off, you Spanish prat!""
     
    #77
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    When visiting an old folks' home recently, I met on old lady on the stairs. I said to her, rather importantly: 'Do you know who I am?' and she replied:
    'No, but if you ask matron - she'll tell you'.
     
    #78
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Quasimodo returned home after a hard day's bell-ringing. On arriving indoors he noticed the wok was on the kitchen table. 'Oh good, are we having Chinese for dinner?' Quasi asked his wife. 'No,' she replied: 'I'm going to iron you a shirt.'
     
    #79
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  20. Channonfodder

    Channonfodder Rebel without a clue.....

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    just read through these jokes. Only 4 pages, yet this thread seems to go back to the 1970's!!!
     
    #80

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