Off Topic Jokes thread

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.
He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response.
They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the Chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?
The Chief grunts "My Bike!"

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A plastic surgeon’s office, the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.

 

A woman I work with locked me in her basement for two months once and used me as her sex slave.
One day I noticed she forgot to lock the door and I thought, "Great, this is my chance!"
So I ran up the stairs and grabbed the phone.
Half hour later the pizza arrived, and I went back down to the basement.

 

please log in to view this image

 

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap,,,then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner...then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a sh*t first..."

 

please log in to view this image

 

Guy owns an antique shop but it’s not doing too much trade. He buys a leg of lamb and puts it in the shop window as Nelsons leg. An American guy comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
The shop owner buys a pair of sheep’s eyes, puts one in the window as Nelsons eye. Same bloke comes in and buys it to take back to the states.
Shop owner buys a bag of potatoes. The American sees two on the counter. Don’t tell me they are Nelsons.
No said the shop owner , they are King Edwards

 

please log in to view this image