Off Topic Jokes thread

I’m rubbish in the kitchen

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this was supposed to be a salad

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Harry Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're ****e and we can't be bothered".
Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"

 

A man goes into a bank and points a gun at the cashier.
"Hand over all your money or you're geography. "
"Don't you mean History?"
"Don't change the subject."

 

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist.
He lies on the couch and tells her,
"I have a problem! I buy things ... literally anything! I buy, buy and buy everything I see regardless of whether I need them or not! Purchasing things gives me a rush! Do you know that only this morning, I purchased an entire mall?"
"Mmmm ... !" Said the psychologist thoughtfully, "Sounds like you have a Shopping Complex!"

 

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BATTERY SIZES:

Torch - D
TV Remote - AAA
Personal Stereo - AA
Hearing Aids - A?

 

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The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.

 

A woman passing by a pet shop sees a board,
"Monkey, the wizard between the sheets".
She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.
The Manual said "Give a good bath to the monkey,
then you take a bath.
Make him sit on the bed and
you lie down without wearing anything.
Leave the rest to the monkey.
Repeat all steps for repeat performance".
Accordingly, the woman gave the monkey a bath,
bathed herself and slept on the bed naked.
Monkey did nothing.
Disappointed, she again gave him a bath,
had bath and lied down naked on the bed.
Again, the monkey did nothing.
She referred to the Manual in trouble shooting, It said :
In case of no activity, call the shop owner for support.
She called the owner & he arrived in 30 mins.
He asked the woman to lie down.
He then looked at the monkey and shouted...
"This is the last time I'm teaching you...!"

 

So the Yorkshire man wanted "she were thine" on his wife's headstone, as they were both religious.

The stone came back and read "she were thin" dismayed the Yorkshire man protests "you've forgotten the E".

The mason says he will put it right. This time the stone comes back with "E she were thin".

 

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