Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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  2. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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  3. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    The female ref has pulled a red card out of her shorts.

    Hang on, that's not a card
     
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  4. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    I am not a happy man, I feel I've been cheated. My sister has two brothers and I've only got one.
     
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  5. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    My brother got a dog with no legs. I don't know how he managed to catch it.
     
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  6. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    Murphy says to Paddy, "Why are you doin' talkin into an envelope?" "Isn't it obvious, I'm sending a voicemail.

    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” Blow that" says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

    19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

    The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

    I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

    I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
    I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

    Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

    My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said "You're obviously not listening."

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

    The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

    When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

    Local police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

    Bought some rocket salad yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

    A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

    My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
     
    #6
  7. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
    Anna one, Anna two!
     
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  8. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    “My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.'”
     
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  9. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    “I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!'”
     
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  10. ellandback

    ellandback Well-Known Member
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    “When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.”
     
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  11. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    It's Hell to be Old

    OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

    A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
    The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
    which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
    We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'
     
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  12. LeedsLover

    LeedsLover Well-Known Member

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  13. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    From now on, I'll believe in The Prophet Muhammad ...
    I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.
    I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
    "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."

    I told him I was not paralyzed.
    He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing.
    Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
    After the prayers, I stepped outside - and bugger me - my car was gone!
     
    #13
  14. Infidel

    Infidel Well-Known Member

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    Pulled this bird down town and she invited me back to her flat, finally got her to her bedroom and there was cuddly toys all over the place, doge, cats, rabbits, bears... you name it she had one, they were on the shelves, on the wardrobe, all round the skirting boards.... they were everywhere!!!
    Got her into bed and gave her a good seeing to, laid back with my hands behind my head, big smile on my face, I turned to her and said “ how was that then”
    She replied “go on then you can choose anything you want from the bottom row”
     
    #14
  15. davy

    davy Well-Known Member

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    Dog with 3 legs walks into the Sheriff's office.

    "I've come for ma paw....."
     
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  16. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

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    skinny little guy gets into a lift. Thereis a man mountain already there. The little guy looks up at the big fella and just stares. The big fella looks down at him and says "Two and a half metres, 130 kilos, twenty centimetre cock and balls weigh two kilos, Turner-Brown". The little guy falls over in a dead feint. He comes to with the big man standing over him. "I'm sorry", he says. "I just answered all the questions that people usually ask me, my height, weight, personal details and my name is Turner-Brown". "Oh, thank God", says the liitle guy, "I thought you said turn around."
     
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  17. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
    change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
    think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
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    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
    parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
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    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
    onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
    actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
    everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour,
    the bird spoke-up, very softly,"May I ask what the turkey did?"



    And you thought there were no clean jokes left!

     
    #17
  18. Old Git

    Old Git Well-Known Member

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    A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices. ‘ My good man,’the fairy said, ‘ I’ve been told by Theresa May to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britain with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.'
    The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'. The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and… PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

    'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage on the coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here.

    PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music

    'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl and I want to have white skin like the British.'
    PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
    ‘What happened to my new teeth? ‘he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

    The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are British, you're entitled to sweet **** all like the rest of us.
    And she disappeared.
     
    #18
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2019
  19. Eireleeds1

    Eireleeds1 Well-Known Member

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  20. MIGHTY

    MIGHTY Del-Boy

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