Jokes

Not 606 Mods Zoom meeting

 

You lot are so picky.

 

Which one you fancy ?

 

the ones that arnt click bait for the weak minded

 

Either of them off the Sunderland board Rog

 

yep both are but ill take the 5th amendment as 1 is a mod

 

G####n A######g

 

the Uri Gela of bicycles

 

im having flashbacks

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• There is hell to pay in Bradford tonight.
• Petrol had gone up by another 5 rupee"s

 

A guy and his girlfriend are out on saturday night in Glasgow, all smart ready for a night out together
They get to the bar, order drinks and find a seat. The boyfriend gets his good lady settled and says "sweetheart I'm just off to the loo are you ok for a minute?"
" yes " she says, so off he goes ,
Just at that moment a little Glasgow drunk comes over and says "darling I would love to see your tits , and I would love to see your fanny and turn you upside down fill it with lager and drink it",
The poor girl doesen't know where to look and just then the boyfriend comes back and the littie drunk buggers off.
Seeing his girlfriend a bit flustered he asks her whats wrong.
"Oh nothing" says she
"NO whats wrong?"
"OH this wee guy wanted to feel my tits"
"what guy?" he says
"He said he wanted to see my fanny"
At that the boyfriend goes off on one and starts taking his jacket off ,
"And he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with lager and drink it" she says.
So he puts his jacket back on and sits down. She looks at him and says "what:s wrong with you?"
"Well if he can drink that much lager, I'm not fighting with him..."

 

An Irishman man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again –
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

 

A farmer goes to check on his herd the morning after the coldest night of the year and finds them virtually frozen and barely alive, he drops to his knees and begins to pray....then he sees a woman in the corner of the field rubbing her hands over one of the cattle which remarkably starts to come round, the woman moves from one beast to the other with similar results...the woman then walks off without a word, a walker who witnessed this says to the farmer I can't believe what I just saw, the farmer replies I am so grateful my prayers where answered and she came to my aid, the walker says why who was that woman, that woman miss was....Thora hird

 

Where's the groan emoji?