Jokes

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Rihanna, Usher and Justin Bieber were walking over a bridge.
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fu*ks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin "your turn"!
Justin burst out into tears. "Whats wrong? Asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings"

 

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around
the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on
the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with
it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on
the leash and only go one time around the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

 

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Failed in Sheffield.

 

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• A bloke bought a new Lexus and returned the next day complaining that the radio didn"t work.
• The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated."Watch this!" he said..."Nelson!"
• The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
• He drove away happy and, for the next few days, every time he"d say,"Beethoven", he"d get beautiful classical music,
• If he said, "Beatles!" he"d get one of their massive hits.... and so on.
• He was so pleased and impressed with his car.
• One day, a carload of teenagers ran a red light and nearly creamed his new car, but he swerved in time to avoid them.
• "ASSHOLES!" he yelled..... and The French National Anthem began to play.

 

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life.

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.

 

A father on his way home from work suddenly remembered it was his daughter's birthday. So, he pulls into a shopping centre, goes into a toy store and asks “Hi, how much do your Barbies dolls cost?"

The clerk answers "Which one would you like?

We have Workout Barbie for £19.95,

Shopping Barbie for £19.95,

Beach Barbie for £19.95,

Disco Barbie for £19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for £19.95,

Veterinary Barbie for £19.95,

and Divorced Barbie for £265.95.”

The amazed Dad asks "What? Why is the divorced Barbie £265.95 when all the others are only £19.95?"

The clerk rolls her eyes, sighs and answers: "Sir, divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's truck, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends and a key chain made from Ken's testicles!"

 

If I ever meet your wife, I don't know you and have never met you.

 

thank fek for that its the only reason ive been avoiding a trip to Ozz

 

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What do you call a moustache soaked in urine?

a pistachio

 

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