A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£1,500!" she cried,"£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £1,500."
Paddy askes policeman excuse me sir can you tell me where the other side of the street is ? Policeman certainly Paddy its over there, Paddy But I was over there and someone told me it was over here
A Yorkshiremans dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
Bloke's on his honeymoon, after the first night,5am he comes downstairs with his fishing gear, night porter says "excuse me for asking sir but the first night of your honeymoon, I thought you'd be at it all night with your new bride" can't he replies, " she really has a bad dose of the clap" "oh, sorry to hear that sir but one hears anal is all the rage these days" " can't do that either, she always seems to have a bad dose of diarrhoea " "well what about a blow job" " no not that either, herpes of the mouth" "I suppose a hand jobs out the question" ""yes she has a real bad case of dermatitis ". "Well excuse me again for asking sir but why did you marry her"..."the maggots"
"A Man United fan, a Liverpool fan and a Leeds United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Man United fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it. The Man United fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done. The Liverpool fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again. The Leeds United fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "I have a soft spot for Leeds United, you play lovely football and have the best fans. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Leeds United fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked. "Tie that Man United fan to my back..."
Mickey Mouse in court, judge says “ Mickey, you can’t divorce Minnie just because she’s got buck teeth.” “ I didn’t say she had buck teeth, I said she was f***ing Goofy!”
