Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Oldie but goodie.

 

Pan's people 70s... God i worshipped them... how embarrassing!

 

I would still hang out of them now.

 

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work. "Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it!"

 

Saw my wife in stockings and suspenders for the first time last night.
I said, “er, hello dear, you’re back early.”

 

Has anyone else seen the new tenners

 

Scientists at Asda have created mash out of plants

 

Embarrassing had we not!

 

Great photo

 

I spent half an hour trying to cross a busy road today.
A passer by said, "There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."
I said, "I hope he's having better f*cking luck than me!"

 

After doing 'dry January' for 31 days, finally, I can have a shower.

 

I hopped on a bus today.
After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

 

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't
know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.'
The penis shot to her crotch..
It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history...

 

My housemates are convinced that our
house is haunted.

l've lived here for 235 years and haven't noticed anything strange.