Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

 

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband..'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, HE's gone to Rome
To blow out yer feckin' candle.

 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."

 

Camilla Parker Bowles bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Prince
Charles had retired to their room at the Buckingham Palace.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.
'Harder' yelled Camilla.
'Harder?' Charles yelled back,
'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried.
Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'
in their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said,'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that.
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter.
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

BRILL THAT ONE

 

Its an owld one mate but still funny.

 

been away 23 years now but organising to come home and split my time between England and Malindi Kenya

 

Bought myself a tin of Mr Muscle 'Loves the job you hate'
Been in the bedroom a week and still hasn't shagged the missus

 

When a Joiner makes a sandwich.

 

Didn’t know your lass was called Malindi

 

ha ha Victoria

 

Just having a laugh mate very nice she is to, hope you both stop for a visit when you get back and me and Noz will show you some hidden gems

 

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I said to my wife, "Where have you been?"
She said, "Shopping in the sales. I bought this dress for a ridiculous figure."
I looked at her and said, "You're not f*cking joking."