Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day
Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K.
Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables.

 

A man is out playing golf and having the game of his life. He had just completed the first nine holes and had just shot 3 under par when his phone rings.
The voice on the phone says, “Is this Mr. Richardson?”
“Yes,” he replies.
“Mr. Richardson, your wife has been involved in a terrible accident and is in intensive care in St Mary’s Hospital. When you get here please ask for Dr. Conrad”
The man thinks about it and after much deliberation, decides to finish his round of golf. He ends up shooting 7 under par, his best round ever and rushes off to the hospital.
When he gets there he asks for Dr. Conrad, who approaches him with a quizzical look on his face.
He asks “Why did you take so long to get here Mr. Richardson? You finished your game of golf, didn’t you?”
The man breaks down and admits he did.
“Well,” says Dr. Conrad “your wife has a collapsed lung, a ruptured sternum, and 4 crushed vertebrae. She is completely paralysed, and she is going to need constant care, all day, every day. You are going to have to feed her, bathe her three times a day to prevent bedsores and she will need to be moved every two hours also to prevent bedsores. She will have no control of her bowels and will urinate and defecate which needs to be cleaned immediately to prevent infection. I hope you’re proud of yourself”
Upon hearing this, the man collapses to the floor with tears streaming down his cheeks.
The doctor says “I’m just kidding…she’s dead! What did you shoot...?”

 

Has anybody lost 300 quid with a rubber band round it down the high street this morning?

Your in luck. I've found your rubber band

 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ....
"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're shi*ting the bed"

 

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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Nocastle supporter all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said that he’d sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the Skunk were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.” “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”
So off he went to the barn, leaving the Skunk and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”
The Skunk grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share theroom.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.

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